I have been planning to write this post for weeks but my hectic schedule at the kindergarten has not let me. This weekend I decided to be strict with myself and find some time to finally sit and write what I have been trying to say about my
Before I start, let me explain what couchsurfing is for those who have never heard of it before.
What is Couchsurfing?
Couchsurfing has been created by Casey Fenton – an American who set up a web portal that offers its users hospitality exchange (you can host travelers or get hosted when traveling) and social networking services (helping each other with travel issues). The idea is very simple and the portal couchsurfing.org is getting bigger and bigger each day with more than one million registered users from more than 70.000 cities.
It’s free of charge and easy to set up. You just need to fill in some personal information, add some photos and get references to look more reliable. You can also get verified to show other members you are who you are saying you are.
Why couchsurfing?
Couchsurfing is a great way of exploring places on a budget without spending a lot of money on accommodation. Moreover, you can meet amazing people who can look after you and show you around the city. It’s a great alternative for solo travelers not to feel lonely or for those who are looking for new friendship and fun.
On the Couch is the story of Fleur Britten’s adventure staying on the couches of strangers abroad. If you’re thinking about couch surfing this is definitely a must-read – it’ll open your eyes to what you could expect. You can get the book here.
For me,
Is it safe?
In today’s world, nothing’s safe. Let’s face it. Same applies to
Couchsurfing vs. Sexsurfing
It’s getting more and more popular that girls pick up boys as their hosts and vice versa. Why? For some, it’s just someone who seems nice, but for others, there are more chances to have “no strings attached” free sex. I have heard of it before but never thought it might have been a true statement. As it turns out, it is. What’s even worse, it sounds so obvious to some people. Let me explain that on my example without mentioning any names. In total, I was hosted by 5 guys and 3 girls during my whole European backpacking. I was asked to have sex twice and 2 people were saying they were hoping to have sex before I had arrived and only one person did not mention anything about that.
I was shocked when I found out that some guys accept couchsurfing requests mostly from Slavic girls thinking they are easy to have sex with. I was even more surprised when I found out that a lot of girls are looking for one night stand as a part of their unforgettable couchsurfing experience.
I might sound like a 80-year-old granny right now, but I openly say NO to that. For me traveling is about seeing new places and not about having sex with random guys.
I sometimes felt uncomfortable with my hosts saying “The door to my bedroom is open all night”! When it happened once I was laughing and taking it as a joke, but it happened more than once. For me it’s simply inappropriate. I might be old-fashioned but for me it takes some time to open up to someone and gaining my trust is not that easy. I must be in love or at least feel a strong connection with the person I am going to sleep with.
The first time I came across Sexsurfing was in Siem Reap, Cambodia. I’ve heard some stories from local boys who hosted girls from all around the world and they slept with more than 3/4 of them. The guys were surprised of how easy it was to do that. I remember one guy saying “White girls are so easy and hot!” I thought they were joking but as it turns out girls are often more pushy than guys when it comes to sex.
The main reason for me for choosing male hosts were my personal preferences. I prefer to hang out with guys to be honest because they normally are funnier, they don’t argue over stupid stuff and I often learn a lot from them especially when it comes to travels. I’m not into shopping and gossiping that much so didn’t take female hosts into consideration. It was my mistake. As it turned out, I had a wonderful time with my Taiwanese girls in Prague and we still keep in touch, whereas some of my male hosts don’t even reply to my messages on Facebook (after I turned them down).
What shocks me the most is not the fact that a couchsurfer and a host might end up in a bed together, but the fact people use this portal to hunt girls for free sex and vice versa. I am now thinking of how many girls may not have a strong personality to refuse…
Getting a hotel room or hostel bed could be a better option if you’re not very good in saying no when you feel that way.
How about you? Do you agree? Have you had any Couchsurfing/Sexsurfing experience when traveling? Share your thoughts in comments.
I am really curious of what you might think and thank you in advance!
446 thoughts on “Couchsurfing or Sexsurfing? What is the Difference Nowadays?”
If somebody is coming to Ethiopia using CS , i will honestly host them with our hospitable tradition we have.
CS is the bigest and the most important service for free for those who like village tour. You can visit my CS profile ” Mengistu Alemayehu” when you have time.
Thank you.
Greetings from Brazil, Agness.
As a (male) host, I found this post very interesting because I sincerely disapprove when people turn Couchsurfing into Sexsurfing. I mean, one thing is “there is a good vibe between the host and the surfer and they are both willing to have sex”, then why not?!, but another thing is “I want to have sex so I’m gonna host some girls to get laid”. It’s repulsive! But the “funny” thing is: I am not even surprised. It’s ridiculously conceivable that some dudes would do it. And not to sound like a sexist, I believe girls would do it as well. Anyway… I will always treat my guests with respect, because that’s what I would expect from a host.
Fascinating post. As a gay male, I don’t have to put up with this will-we-wont-we tension using couchsurfing, and I feel sorry for those female travelers who put up with unwanted advances. Of course, I don’t make a habit of disclosing my sexual orientation when using CS unless the situation is appropriate.
I had one experience as a surfer in India where the host kept bragging about his sexual conquests with female surfers and going on about which nationality was the best in bed. It turned out his accommodation, even for me, was a spot right next to him in his own bed in the same house where his mother was living. I left the next morning at the same time a young Russian woman was arriving, and he had already expressed his intentions to me. Whether the girl did anything , of course, is her own choice and is no one’s place to judge. I did, however, get pubic lice after that night.
As a host, I hosted a quiet, petite, young Japanese girl who had traveled all around the world already just using couchsurfing. The entire time, I kept putting myself in her shoes and thinking how uncomfortable I would feel staying with a strange guy in a small fifth floor apartment. I disclosed to her that I was gay in order to make her feel better, but it seems she was already comfortable enough no matter what I was – It seems my disclosure was for my own peace of mind rather than for her. She was a very kind and interesting girl, but in my opinion far too naive! I wish her the best!
In the end, I feel most comfortable staying with families and hosting couples. I using CS to learn something, after all, and the more people there are, the more people I can learn from!
Interesting. I’m male, straight, and new to CS. I keep receiving invitations from men. Met one to hangout, he was obviously gay. it was fine, but it seemed like he was looking for other gays.
I also received several invitations from male hosts. I politely asked one if he was gay after seeing his photos. He said no. Not buying it.
Is there a big gay community on CS that’s looking for gay romance?
Why not briefly mention it in the profile? Or are they looking for straight guys too? A little strange.
Thanks for the heads up, we have never couch surfed but plan on partaking during our next trip, let’s hope we have positive experiences as a lesbian couple.
Ya, I don’t know about the sexsurfing part.
When I travel, well, back when I used to travel, it’s all about experiencing the culture of that place I had never been to until that time.
And so to get distracted by sex which is something that you can get at your own home country at any time, beats the whole purpose.
Traveling is about experiencing what’s new, what’s different, what’s odd out there, the food, the lifestyles, the uniqueness. About venturing to places you don’t get to visit on a daily basis.
I loved traveling.. I highly recommend it to young people specifically who still have the drive and the energy.
Forget about the sex part.. Travel for your instagram collection, travel for the enlightement, travel ’cause it’s fun :)
Overall, great post.
However, “I prefer to hang out with guys to be honest because they normally are funnier, they don’t argue over stupid stuff and I often learn a lot from them especially when it comes to travels. I’m not into shopping and gossiping that much so didn’t take female hosts into consideration,” was extremely cringey.
Thanks for sharing your opinion! That is what I think…
I had couchsurfed after graduating college and decided to travel first instead of going straight into University. I never had people ask/suggested me for sex…But I met my husband while he was my CS host during my stay in Texas. It was instant chemistry, he later mentioned that he “felt he had to marry me” when I first greeted him at the airport. For my end, I just felt lucky that my host is a really cute guy and really nice too ! We hang out a lot and had a great 4 days together, so I decided to extend my stay and stayed for 8 days while he drove me to meet his parents and we visited his parent’s ranch.
Anyway, after I went back to Singapore he confessed over email that he was interested in me but was really shy about telling me.. So we began our long distance relationship .. However I was sceptical at first because who is to say he didn’t try that trick on other women? So even though we were “dating” , I still tell him about my dates with other guys(nothing serious though!!)
So one day in just a little over 2 months after I came back to Singapore from Texas, I received a request to host a girl from texas and (sneaky him, used his older sister’s account), I just accepted her as she seems really fun and interesting! Imagine my surprise when I see him come out of the airport and at first it was super awkward but then he started kissing me in one of the lifts at the airport terminal and thinking back, it’s super gross because he probably hasn’t wash up in like, 24 hours.
We toured Singapore and yes we had sex – (so I sort of had sex with my Couchsurfer?).. I was a virgin and it was amazing!
Anyway, long story short, after he graduated he bought a one way ticket to Singapore and we have been together for 8 years now, married for 2 years and will be expecting our first baby soon.
Not all CS experiences are bad and we love to share our story with all our couchsurfers.
Thank you for your frank blog Agness.
I would not Couchsurf EVER again. I was forced to have sex by much couchsurfing host in New York. He is a photographer and hosts only girls – has hosted more than 140 girls so far in 2 years. Only one other girl was brave enough to write a negative review, which I have saved a copy of. Unfortunately, Couchsurfing took the negative review down. In the review, the girl had described precisely his modus operandi and what had earlier happened to me. The guy particularly chooses Asian girls because he knows they won’t raise a hue and cry.
I complained to Couchsurfing but all they have said is that the guy has been issued a warning. A warning for rape!? And why did they take down the negative review?
I’m so sorry to hear about your unpleasant experience, Beth! Thanks for sharing and warning other people…
Did you contact the police?
Gene, I did not contact the police because I was a tourist with little time and little understanding of the local laws and rules and process with only a few days in the country. I didn’t know how it would go – what if they asked me to stay in the US for the next two months. What if I could not prove the charges etc. There was very little time.
But I do trust the NYPD. They have a good reputation all over the world and in general the US Justice system.
Also, someone told me that since I had alcohol, NYPD won’t register a rape case. But I learned that’s not true as I had only two drinks that evening.
After contacting dozens of girls that stayed with the host, I came to know three had been raped and had complained to Couchsurfing but nothing happened. Another who was not assualted, but uncomfortable with his advances, wrote a negative review explaining what happened. The review (a copy of which I saved) was later removed by Couchsurfing. The host continues to host 4 new girls every week. Shame.
I decided to publicize my case, anonymously. But I didn’t find proper reception while remaining anonymous. And I don’t have the energy to fight a large for-profit corporation. Also, where I come from, no one talks about such things – it’s a shame to be raped, and if you talk about it you will never be able to date and to marry.
I guess one thing I could do is to write to the investors of Couchsurfing. Some of them are reputed California business men and they would surely be sympathetic.
But I feel weak. The worst part of the experience was not the rape – it was how Couchsurfing treated me. That is why I blame them most of all.
Thank you for sharing. “Couchsurfing took the negative review down”. This is criminal behavior. And the final thing I had to read, to stop supporting a page like couchsurfing.
Please be aware that a company called “couchsurfing.com” does not care if the people they place in your homes are hard drug users and a danger to your children. A friend of mine reported someone who has documented gang ties and hard drug use and couchsurfing.com still allows this person to be a member and search for places to live through their service. They do not care about the safety of your home and your children. Please do not use the services of “couchsurfing.com”
Thanks for sharing your opinion, William!
Hello Agness,
Disappointed to hear this kind of thing is so common on Couchsurfing. I normally host on Airbnb but am looking into Couchsurfing to see if I can get some more use out of my spare room when I don’t have paying guests and meet some interesting people. As a male host I have had a large number of both male and female guests on the Airbnb platform, never has anything sexual been alluded to, but perhaps Airbnb is different with the whole paying $ vibe.
If you are ever in Houston, TX please shoot me an email and I will make every effort to be available to host you and you can be sure I won’t make any advances. Perhaps change your mind about staying with a respectful male host? I would have thought the reviews would weed out that kind of behavior, but perhaps people are afraid to say what they really feel in the reviews?
I am a veteran CSer, and although I have not had hosted people with sexual intentions, neither I have had sex with any of my hosts, I still think your point of view is pretty old fashioned. As I understand it, sex is nothing but another way to communicate with a person who is willing to interact in that way with you. What I mean is I support free love if people are willing to, and the main reason I have not engaged in that kind of behavior is just because I have a girlfriend.
So, I don’t know, it looks like you still look at sex as something dangerous, something “people wanna steal from you”, instead of a beautiful act of generosity and love, which is not always like that, of course, but that’s how it should be.
And it is not like that, I think, because of this point of view of “sex as the taboo thing regarded with fear and reservation”.
Of course it is not my intention to prove your moral code wrong. But I just wanted to share that there are other visions towards sex besides yours. And sex as an enriching experience while travelling may make the trip unforgettable because of the shared experience with someone you shared that kind of intimacy. And let’s face it (and now I also talk within my personal experience), the kind of personal connection and intimacy you get with someone you have slept with is not the same as if it was a normal friend. Of course, just if sex is understood correctly, as two souls sharing the moment, and not as a shameful or dirty act.
That’s it. Too long maybe. Sorry if I sound to “judgamental”.
I agree with you Javier, 100%. I am a veteran CSer too, having hosted, surfed, befriended, dated, community built, etc etc, all around couchsurfing I must admit I’ve seen quite a few things and, although I haven’t experienced many negative myself, I know of people who have. I think Agness is coming from the frustration built up after having many male hosts try to score with her. Which to me is fair enough to an extent, let me explain:
Yes it is frustrating to have to be on the defence all the when you don’t want to, hands down, annoying af. Now, that being said, I think it’s completely unfair to even put in question that couchsurfing could be “sexsurfing”. Life is is full of people, good, bad, people you’ll click with and not, creepers, weirdoes, brilliant, all the colours of the rainbow. As life goes by we come across them and we choose who to engage with and in what ways. Why should couchsurfing be any different? Does it come to a surprise that if you generalize, guys pursue sex more aggressively than girls do? I think the answer is no and I don’t think couchsurfing holds more of those kind of guys than any other kind. I want to really stress this point, I have met A TON of dudes through couchsurfing and I still do, I’m basing this on my years of observation.
So, if couchsurfing has a lot of people and some are annoying af to interact with, just like in our regular everyday life, is there something we can do about it? of course there is! there’s a ton! like read a profile carefully, look carefully at references ( a good tip to spot out this people is to make sure not only girls gave references), etc. Now if you go travelling and rely on CS to find accommodation, then stay with whoever offers and you have lost control of who you choose to have close proximity interaction with, hence the non desirable experiences. The world is full of people, if you choose the wrong ones it’s up to you to start choosing the right ones.
This is not about sex or people meeting for sex, or “falling” into sexual events! It is about how it is NOT communicated. That it isn’t written honestly in the couchsurfing profiles.
“Whising sexual ineraction” from the hosts.
“Open for sexual interaction” from the surfers.
It is hidden. That creates space for rape-like situations. Please check out about the whole thing about #metoo. Its not just about rape. It is a way of how peolpe trick poeple into sexual situations. That has to stop. And right now it looks like there are far too many people still believing, it would be okay… it isn’t! And this isn’t about “moral”. It is about creating a sexpositve society, where nobody is tricking sombody into something any more.
Thank you Agness for the informative post. I feel relieved reading it. I thought I was doing something wrong or behaving in a certain way that attracted weird guys. Apparently, this is the norm. I am a new couchsurfer. So I thought it must be me somehow.
I have had the opposite experience as a potential host. My hosting preference is for females, as I am single and live alone. I would not feel safe with a man, a stranger, alone in my house. Plus, I have one bedroom, which would put him in close proximity to me at night during a person’s most vulnerable time. My experience is not physical.. It is more online and verbal. I had numerous requests from guys to stay over, which I politely declined. I emphasize: very politely, kindly and clearly, and indicating that my hosting preference is for females,and with wishes for a great trip, etc. The responses were very aggressive. Many of them immediately blocked me (after some choice words). Many others would get verbally aggressive telling me that I am sensitive, not open, ugly, what is wrong with me, etc., and then turning sweet saying things like “please just for me”. I mean.. Really?? I don’t know this guy at all. I heard the “for me” phrase so many times it’s starting to actually get funny :) :) They alternate between pleading and aggression to get their way. When that doesn’t work, they say they want to meet me anyway. Needless to say, by then I am entirely creeped out and I want to run for the hills.
Your post made me understand the sex mentality and ideas of only hooking up and free sex. I’m white and from a Slavic background. Guess that explains it.
I also don’t get that many requests from girls. I’m not the girly type. Shopping for me is a chore. I love the outdoors, fishing, hiking. I like visiting special not very known places. It’s all in my profile. I guess girls like to shop and stuff…
Will see how things go :)
Here’s to us all staying safe and having amazing travels expierences! :)
Cheers :)
Thanks for sharing your experience, Maria! I wish you nothing but the safest and most awesome travels! ;)
“So I thought it must be me somehow.”
This makes me really sad. Because this is the same thing, that the Weinsteins of the world are using for their benefits! Its nevery you, if you feel like you want to decide who you want to have sex with. Or how. Or how it may come to it. You are perfectly free – and I think, the whole couchsurfing thing is a huge trap, if the hosts and surfers don’t mention their sexual needs, if they have some. I don’t want to be “surpised”. I don’t even want to think about the possibility. I want to have the freedom of choice. I wouldnt’t pick a host, who writes. “I am here for sex”. And I am wondering right now, how many there may be…
Thanks for the post
You’re welcome! ;)
I am so sad and agry to see so many #metoo stories here of people either forcing themselves physically on someone or by being inappropriate in their talk.
It makes me sad women still advise each other to “tell him you have a boyfriend at home” … It makes me sad, Agnes, that you keep apologizing for not being into one night stands with words like “I might seem a granny” and explaining how it works for you ( you might not want to know this, but there áre grannies that love having one stands too ? but that is a totally different chapter) …
Bottom line is: you don’t need to give reasons why!
Unfortunately both men and women all over the world have been brought up with the wrong idea about sex ( and without wanting to disregard the men who became victim … I just want to address the majority of cases here which is men vs women).
From childhood on we learn about helpless women who are “saved by the kiss”. Actually, the original Sleeping Beauty seems to have only woken up after giving birth to a baby, result of a prince who raped her while sleeping.
All the heroes in films who force themselves on rheir counterparts time after time .. she says no .. no .. and in the end gives in because yes! She loves him.
Very strong conditioning. So unfortunately most men don’t even realise how unsafe it makes you when, in his house as a guest, he says he would like to have sex with you.
On the other hand, we also have very strong opinions on women who are into casual sex.
#metoo addresses all these issues.
And while things haven’t changed, maybe, when contacting a host before surfing, have a standard sentence in your message: “unfortunately I have read a lot about negative experiences from women couchsurfing/because of former negative experieces … I have to stress that I am interested in a safe space and I am not interested in sex.
Or filter only.on women .. but that narrows down your possibilities AND doesn’t do right to the men who are genuinly not interested in sex with their guests.
Thanks for sharing your detailed opinion on this matter, Fendi!
Yes! It makes me sad, too. And its not only about what happens there – it even more (for me) what isn’t talked about. I feel so naive, that I had to spend some weeks in this couchsurfing thing, to realise, that there is something going on, about what nobody seems to speak. That makes me sick. I am a very sexpositive person – but I really hate to be tricked into something. If I am looking for a place to stay, I am looking for a place – not for a fuck. i don’t even want to explain that in my profile. I want the hosts to explain in their profiles, if they want to have sex. And even more: what they think, they are able to offer, when it comes to sex. Because everything else is just the greedy stealing form each other behavior. And es far as I can tell from most comments here: a lot of people are perfectly fine in being on a “stealing sex from each other” mode… :(
If people want to be cautious, they can private-message previous hosts/ surfers to see if they would like to “amplify” their public comments. I have received such enquiries. I assume all the people complaining in this thread have only transacted with people having references…..And that they post unfavourable references where appropriate for the benefit of others (even if only “would not host again”). And that reports are made to the Couchsurfing team who can delete posts and accounts. To do otherwise might be considered lacking in community spirit or even reckless and irresponsible! There is now an option to verify government ID as well as address, so you at least know who you are dealing with
Thanks for sharing your opinion and tips, Peter! :)
And do not make an agreement purely based on private messages. Insist on getting a proper “request” so that you have to opportunity to create a “confirmed stay” reference.
Excellent tip, Peter. :)
I’m so glad to have found this! I ended up deleting couchsurfing because I got so many messages from men in their 30s or older asking me to stay at their house or meet up even when I wasn’t on available to meet up. I’m only 19 which isn’t even a legal adult in Japan where I am in right now so I find these requests disgusting. I don’t think they would ask random girls in the street to stay with them who were Japanese and imply sex like this so to do it to a foreign girl who isn’t even asking to be hosted is going too far. If it was a girl who was looking to be hosted and if she found herself attracted to the host I would understand but to go through the public events to find out who is in the area and then suggest sex is not alright. Honestly this has really soured the experience for me and even given me a bad impression of the people in this country which is unfair I know but I’ve even had men this age approach me in the street and try and pick me up so maybe it’s just the country I’m in right now? Either way I wouldn’t go solo traveling again.
In the London CouchSurfing community there is a guy that uses the fictitious name of Kurt Putney – he has been organising events for over 5 years. And by all accounts he’s a nice enough guy UNTIL he gets drunk. And because he brings in many CouchSurfer into the most expensive bars in London he gets all his own drinks for free. You can type his name in CS and you’ll see 3 fake profiles for him and one super negative reference that tells you how he treats people and yet no one will stop him.
I’ve hosted probably 50 women in the last decade. Slept with maybe 9? Several more or less told me they wanted to sleep with me before they came (or at least insinuated)… my reviews are all stellar. I was just open to making a connection, and in some cases, that led to sex. With others, it didn’t, and I’m still in touch or friends with many. But I have heard about some super awful creepy men who troll CS looking for women. Bets to get to know people before you stay and go with your gut.
I was really thinking about trying couchsurfing. Now I have second thought. Thank you for publishing this and all the useful pieces of advice. I will still look into it, but be more careful. Thank you.