I have been planning to write this post for weeks but my hectic schedule at the kindergarten has not let me. This weekend I decided to be strict with myself and find some time to finally sit and write what I have been trying to say about my
Before I start, let me explain what couchsurfing is for those who have never heard of it before.
What is Couchsurfing?
Couchsurfing has been created by Casey Fenton – an American who set up a web portal that offers its users hospitality exchange (you can host travelers or get hosted when traveling) and social networking services (helping each other with travel issues). The idea is very simple and the portal couchsurfing.org is getting bigger and bigger each day with more than one million registered users from more than 70.000 cities.
It’s free of charge and easy to set up. You just need to fill in some personal information, add some photos and get references to look more reliable. You can also get verified to show other members you are who you are saying you are.
Why couchsurfing?
Couchsurfing is a great way of exploring places on a budget without spending a lot of money on accommodation. Moreover, you can meet amazing people who can look after you and show you around the city. It’s a great alternative for solo travelers not to feel lonely or for those who are looking for new friendship and fun.
On the Couch is the story of Fleur Britten’s adventure staying on the couches of strangers abroad. If you’re thinking about couch surfing this is definitely a must-read – it’ll open your eyes to what you could expect. You can get the book here.
For me,
Is it safe?
In today’s world, nothing’s safe. Let’s face it. Same applies to
Couchsurfing vs. Sexsurfing
It’s getting more and more popular that girls pick up boys as their hosts and vice versa. Why? For some, it’s just someone who seems nice, but for others, there are more chances to have “no strings attached” free sex. I have heard of it before but never thought it might have been a true statement. As it turns out, it is. What’s even worse, it sounds so obvious to some people. Let me explain that on my example without mentioning any names. In total, I was hosted by 5 guys and 3 girls during my whole European backpacking. I was asked to have sex twice and 2 people were saying they were hoping to have sex before I had arrived and only one person did not mention anything about that.
I was shocked when I found out that some guys accept couchsurfing requests mostly from Slavic girls thinking they are easy to have sex with. I was even more surprised when I found out that a lot of girls are looking for one night stand as a part of their unforgettable couchsurfing experience.
I might sound like a 80-year-old granny right now, but I openly say NO to that. For me traveling is about seeing new places and not about having sex with random guys.
I sometimes felt uncomfortable with my hosts saying “The door to my bedroom is open all night”! When it happened once I was laughing and taking it as a joke, but it happened more than once. For me it’s simply inappropriate. I might be old-fashioned but for me it takes some time to open up to someone and gaining my trust is not that easy. I must be in love or at least feel a strong connection with the person I am going to sleep with.
The first time I came across Sexsurfing was in Siem Reap, Cambodia. I’ve heard some stories from local boys who hosted girls from all around the world and they slept with more than 3/4 of them. The guys were surprised of how easy it was to do that. I remember one guy saying “White girls are so easy and hot!” I thought they were joking but as it turns out girls are often more pushy than guys when it comes to sex.
The main reason for me for choosing male hosts were my personal preferences. I prefer to hang out with guys to be honest because they normally are funnier, they don’t argue over stupid stuff and I often learn a lot from them especially when it comes to travels. I’m not into shopping and gossiping that much so didn’t take female hosts into consideration. It was my mistake. As it turned out, I had a wonderful time with my Taiwanese girls in Prague and we still keep in touch, whereas some of my male hosts don’t even reply to my messages on Facebook (after I turned them down).
What shocks me the most is not the fact that a couchsurfer and a host might end up in a bed together, but the fact people use this portal to hunt girls for free sex and vice versa. I am now thinking of how many girls may not have a strong personality to refuse…
Getting a hotel room or hostel bed could be a better option if you’re not very good in saying no when you feel that way.
How about you? Do you agree? Have you had any Couchsurfing/Sexsurfing experience when traveling? Share your thoughts in comments.
I am really curious of what you might think and thank you in advance!
446 thoughts on “Couchsurfing or Sexsurfing? What is the Difference Nowadays?”
Hi
I agree with your views about couch-surfing. I have hosted lot of my friends from other parts and we never had this feeling of having sex. we enjoyed the time together, had fun, went around places, tracking, even shared a bad too but never tried to be physically attached. we are still in contact with each other like good friends.
Hi Agness
I want to appreciate you for this post.you precisely mentioned the reality,Although the post’s name can creates a pessimistic thoughts toward CS.I have been attended on this great project since 2009 and hosts more than 60 gusts.I have also heard those kinds of stories and offers but all I wanna say is that,we have to be enough brave to leave a negative reference to those members who even ask for sex and let the other members to know him/her to not being trusted again by someone else as a host.most of the members don’t want to give negative references,because they afraid of having back negative reference by the same person and destroyed their profiles.but don’t worry,by checking both profiles and references it will be easy to understand who is honest and who is deserved to have negative reference.
I live in Iran/Tabriz with my family and by the way I want to invite you both(Agness&Cez)and all of the readers,who are using couch surfing in their trips,to come to Iran and see that it is the best and safest country to use couchsurfing and hitch-hick and to meet the most hospitable people in the world.
The best regards,
Masoud
Hi Agnes,
This is a very helpful blog. I just signed up on CS because I am going to EU next year for maybe 2 months or so. I signed up not to just really avail of what could be an inexpensive trip but I also want to meet new friends and people that I could develop long-term friendships. This made me realize to be cautious in choosing my hosts. Thanks!
Agness, I clicked on this story from your post recent post. I did read a lot of the above comments. Sorry for the negative ones you two received. Stick to your morals, ethics and being old fashioned. It’s a lost, beautiful characteristic in people. And I’m glad you travel with Cez as an added level of security. All my best :)
i just shared this with atleast 3 couchsurfers i have hosted and had sex with hahaha we got a good laugh. thanks!
Laughter good for your health :)
That’s a very interesting article indeed and you have a real point there although it is described solely from your perspective. I’m just gonna write briefly my experience and I will reply later to the ones that will obviously give me a bad name by expressing my opinion on the matter.
I registered on CS in 2005, 8 years ago, when there were just a little over 30 000 members at the time.
I’ve seen the website evolve and grow. I’ve been hosted by over a 100 different people mostly all around Europe and I hostel over another 100. Once I had 12 CS staying at once.
I’ve attended heaps of meet-ups and probably met way over a thousand couchsurfers.
I wouldn’t consider myself an authentic “sexsurfer” though in the way that, as I explained, CS has been for a long time really part of my life. I’m on there for the general experience of meeting like-minded people from all around the world and to share good times with them.
But I’d be dishonest to elude that, in my opinion, being really adventurous and having an awesome time also involve the most natural and beautiful thing in the world mostly disregarded as something hideous and shameful to share with almost-strangers and as absolutely taboo especially on CS.
I’m a fierce defender of personal freedom and free-thinking and for me a girl that Chooses to BE with another CS isn’t weak and easy but on the contrary, she’s being the strong and smart one!
The one that won’t let archaic, silly and insane social standards take over her feelings, desires, freedom and passionate and adventurous soul! (I was planning to make it short but, hmm, I can’t help it…)
Anyway, is to boast about it but I’ve personally shared not with 3/4 but with 80 CS girls this simple and amazing but yet misunderstood act which is “being one with someone else” or more crudely “having sex”.
Did I abuse them? I don’t think so! Did they abuse me? Maybe sometimes…
But seriously, there is nothing wrong with adding this ultimate adventure and experience with your couchsurfer if both of you are on the same page, surfing on the same wave!
But this is the thing, Most people will remain clueless about their own body, mind and heart and the ones of others for as long as the value of sex will remain so insanely distorted and perverted from it’s original beauty and brilliant simplicity.
Among other things, the unfair Sacralisation of love making by society has turned people into miserable, fearful and cold-hearted robots. Personally I don’t do well with robots. I like to live my life to the fullest and be surrounded by clear minded individuals that live for themselves and others but not for the sake of an abusive and delirious global dictatorship, for a set of primitive and irrational values imposed on us by some ignorants thousands of years ago
A round of applause, please :-)
Couldn’t have said it better!
Well said.
I’m glad you agree :)
If the girl is ok then no problem, but the guy doesn’t have to make her feel uncomfortable or forced the things…
All the girls on Couchsurfing are not looking for sex. Most of them are just looking for meeting someone nice, share a talk or meal and that’s it. Just as friends.
Men shouldn’t take advantage of women while they are traveling, just because they are abroad, alone, and they don’t know anybody in town, well it doesn’t allow you to be disrespectful and act as a fuckin asshole
And just because you’re hosting a girl for a couple nights doesn’t mean she has to sleep with you in exchange, she isn’t beholden !
Hi, thank you for your article.
I experienced something similar and I disagree with people that blame us to talk about it.
First I had a couch in Munich, I’m French and Germany is not so a different culture (I’m telling this to people that are so sure we don’t understand other exotic cultures). The profile was cool, good references, photos, groups. He offers me a couch, I accept and then in the last moment his profile is deleted and he creates a new one totally empty. So I looked for another couch because I thought it was suspicious.
A guy offered a couch and precised “you have to be aware that you will sleep in my room”, so I looked on the profile, I saw he has a big flat, several rooms and especially he has a couch. I was naive and ask to him why do I have to sleep in his room if there is a couch, is he hosting already too much people and there is no place but in his room?
he was really rude with and say that he accept only female CSers and that they have to share the bed with him.
I was really shocked! I argued with him by private messages, and it seems so obvious for him : ” look, I hosted good people by CS but all I got in the end was just nice conversations and dirty flat. I spent a lot of money and time for them so from now on, I expect something in return”
all this did hurt me, a lot. Ok I never saw him in real life, but I couldn’t accept that people like this with a lot of good references, everything seemed normal, could say this to women. I trust the community, and I hosted a lot of guys and was hosted by lot of guys, so I reported him. Nothing happened so I wanted to do justice myself and wrote to all his references and put a neutral reference with the copy of what he wrote me.
After that he tried to intimidate me, saying I’m an awful person and that my only goal was to discredit him. He said he would call the police if I don’t chance my reference because I used his exact terms.
At the moment I wanted to change it a little bit, his profile was removed, so Ok I win, but for me its the community that won, just for some moment. Because I heard a lot of similar stories.
Ok it’s not a good image of CS, but we need to know about it, we need to know that it could happen.
Not my intention to be sexist but I noticed that the people that say we are dramatizing our stories are men, and men that didn’t experience something like this (ok ok I read some experienced with gays people)
I still want to do Couchsurfing, with men or women. Ok it could happen some love stories or sex stories between host and guest but the thing is it has never to come from the host, in my opinion.
All the best to everyone
Magali
Awesome, you did the right thing, you should be proud of that.
Most people, including most guys, aren’t like that and it’s those kind of people we don’t want in the CS community. There should be more people that report this type of behavior.
I had a similar experience when looking for a last minute host in NYC. I posted on the last minute couch request site and instantly got at least 10 replies. I was travelling with my boyfriend at the time so I asked them if they has room for two, they all responded that they could only fit one person in their apartment and that I can only come alone. They were males with blank profiles and some of them stated on their profiles that they only host females.
He added also that I couldn’t be host by him if I don’t want to share his bed with him. And it was for Oktoberfest, so he added “you will not find someone else, good luck trying to cadge a host”
when I report him, he said “young girl, no one will trust you because all my references say I’m a nice guy and gentlemen”
This is over, I’m relieved.
I want to talk about two points, since I did not went throught all the post/comments because some of then are being biased, prejudiced, non-objective and slight, so I might come with something repetitive.
I’m a couchsurfer for about 2 years, but I’ve been not that active since I’m stuck in a place right now. Even thought, I’ve been involved in local CS meeting and activities for a few months from now.
Sex: it is something that can be ask for a man to a woman and viceversa even in a local bar for local people. Third-world-countries, with false modesty and the wrong-use-of control of their impulse and emotions is where you could find this situation more often, including those sex-tourism-countries where general tourists come and the local’s poor-minded/life offer their sex services (I’m been this rude about it because I come from one of those countries and I see that every day).
So unfortunately couchsurfing’s portal is more like open opportunity for those with false modesty that cannot go open about it and use a mask. I’m not only pick-pointing those countries it REALLY can happen anywhere and we anybody.
In these meeting/activities I’ve been through back in my country, I’ve found so many different people, and by the good-use of observation, I could see that the most of then are foreigners-true-couch-surfers, but the most of the locals are looking for the ”hook-up” situation, even if it is not mentioned the word ”sex” at all.
Sexsurfing experience: I DID had a sexsurfing experience with a host, it was not due not having a strong personality to refuse, but surely was more like the ”need” that made me not to refuse, the inexperience on the couchsurfing world back then, the strong connection I felt with that guy, or all of the above. In fact I asked him if that happens often and he answered that it happens from time to time.
After a few months I had to move to his city and it came to happen that we were together as a couple for the time I was in town, and he became the most supportive, caring, respectful, detached, selfless and loving man.
From a no-string-attached sexsurfing experiece it became A-string-attach real couple experience. I was lucky
Today we are great friends.
All of this tells me, like we say in my country: ”wherever beans are cooked” that it means: you will find every type of person in every part of the world.
So, your post Agness is more than helpfull, you aware naive girls/boys (like me by that time) to understand that you could find ”anything” on a surfing/host situation and is up to us to make the last stand dedision, taking all the consideration that only the person in the sitauation can evaluate. if someone felt alluded, well, that’s his/her problem.
That’s liberty of speech all about.
Wonderful post! i’ve been on cs since 2007. At first i would get requests from both women and men, but in the last 3 years i only get requests from men. So to make a long story short from the 25 men i have hosted or met for a coffee or drink 20 of them have proposed sex to me. the other 5 i hosted, i hosted them together with their couple and ofcourse they did not proposed sex to me. It gets very tricky when leaving a reference because as you said they will be very nice at first, then you reject them and then they are no longer your friends! jajajajaja so in the end you realize it was a waste of time spent with them, bastards! but still you dont have enough reasons to leave them a negative because they never tried to rape you. its a mixed feelings kinda thing. I once agreed to meet with some married business traveller that was at my city, we went to have dinner only as he was staying at an hotel, he had vouches, and many positive refferences, so i went to pick him up at his hotel and because i was a bit late he sends me a message saying “i will have to spank you really hard”, i thought that message was weird but then i was like “umm he probably has an sarcastic sense of humour or something”, so i arrive he greets me and hes smiling, then we go to a bar, we sit down and hes interesting, very ibntelligent, but then after 3 hours he says we should play a “game of words” wich somehow ends up with him asking me questions such as “do you swallow?”, so at the end of the night i didnt know what to make out of the experience with him, he was insinuating sex but he remained polite all the time. so i left him a positive but very short reference. i dont know, this whole cs thing is getting confusing.
Hello Agnese,
I appreciate your views and your morals on this topic. you really have addressed it well. Actually some of your points even made me laugh. And I appreciate you still being stuck to your morals and values.
I’m actually a university student living in a university dormitory. So whenever I hosted surfers/friends I pay money to the dormitory management. And the person who comes sleeps in the same room with me, But I have two different beds and they sleep next to my bed. But I never asked them or even didn’t hope to have sex with them. Even after spending my own money for hosting, My only hope and intention was to just help those travellers.
I totally agree with you saying, that you need to be in some strong connection or in love if you’re going to sleep with someone :) otherwise we could have sex with trees as well…haha, that’s fact which distinguishes as animal with higher mind. :D And people might say we’re closed and old fashioned. Still it doesn’t matter. Travelling helps you to stand for yourself, not to follow the crowd.
I have travelled by hitch-hiking a lot, quite extensively through countries. I have slept in forests, fields, bus stops, and I have slept in strangers places, been using public libraries as the only place to wash myself for days(when no lakes around). So simply I wanted to say, I’ve been opened up to lots of things. I have travelled weeks with girls I met through couchsurfing sleeping in same tent without romance. I think it’s all about yourself, and what you want in life, how you choose yourself to be.
All what matters is living your life as you want, appreciate.
What made me laugh in your post was, when you said some guys who you turned down , didn’t even bother to reply to your facebook message :D Actually, I have the same experience haha… xD, Those girls whom I hosted, were hitting on me, and still I didn’t offer them anything else, now don’t reply to my messages as your experience :D. So it’s not only guys, there are girls also who try to hit on guys and ask for sex. :D
nevertheless, stay with your moral, don’t be discouraged with others comments. Not all people in the world are like that. Still there are quite a lot of people who support your views.
cheers!
Great article.
I have been thinking of using couchsurfing for my next trip to Berlin. I have made an account but I have found it interesting that most of the replies I get for hosts that are available for my visit are male. And some men prefer to host women. Why is that? I prefer a female hosts.
Beware of bi-sexuals…
It is all what you make of it, really.
Any single guy hosting letting hot women stay at his house, does so in the hope of having sex with them. That or he’s gay, or a complete loser.
Hi. I am a boy and I have mostly host girls becuase I just feel better when they are at my place. they are more kind and helpful and clean. but I wondered about this. It is terrible if what you say is true. and I saw some part of your context you wrote that ” maybe I am old fasioned” or “maybe I am like 80)… But I think you are right and clean. no matter if it is old or new fasion. the girls who accept to have sex are just free whores. I prefer to be an old fasion or even an ancient fasion (and have just old fasion friends) instead of be a modern whore.
finally I admire your behavior and what you have wrote.
Best Wishes
You mean people are using a means of social interaction to actually reproduce? I’m in shock…never thought people enjoy sex.
Seriously, what’s so much against human nature to want to have sex with a member of the opposite sex? Why does it have to be strictly traveling? Where’s the sense of adventure? Looking back when you’ll be 50 you’ll probably think as well that you could have had a better and more adventurous sex life. Life is short after all. Human hypocrisies are long, sadly.
Is everything today completely spoiled? I joined couchsurfing kind of late in the game years after I first heard of it. I had couchsurfed before it became a fad or claimed as a website. People you meet on your travels you become friends with, get close to and reunite sometimes staying at one another’s homes. I have so much fun meeting people from other sides of the world and getting another perspective so I signed up to couchsurfing so I could do it a little easier and keep it authentic. Hotels are cold sterile places.
It turns out it is difficult to connect with people. You get a few messages from them and then they ignore you. I now see why. This trend is troubling in both ways. First it makes it difficult to meet friends because people assume that you might be contacting them for sex. I actually had one lady go through pains to explain to me that she didn’t want to meet for sex. I was only picking her up and showing her around. I was thinking what the heck, why would I assume anything about sex? I thought perhaps she was just neurotic so I belayed her fears and told her I didn’t think she wanted to have sex. It was a little weird but humorous too. But on the other hand I am thinking what if someday you do happen to meet someone you like naturally? It’s all now spoiled by the people that just use couchsurfing for sex because that someone might think you were only using them for that one moment. There is a growing number of lonely people in the world and society is becoming a more lonely place. This may be one of the reasons why. People stop spoiling your own sandbox.
Hello my name is Sara and I have been a couchsurfer since 2009. I am happy to read your article because it is an issue I can relate to on a personal level and one that I think is very hard to talk about so I applaud you for bringing up this topic a midst all the controversy that surrounds it.
From my personal experience I have surfed alone with two male hosts. Both of these hosts were (and still are) wonderful people and through messaging them before my trip about specific details and such they seemed very welcoming and very nice. I was 19 at the time and this was my first time traveling alone, my first time in Europe, and my first time surfing (I have hosted before in the US) so I was very inexperienced and a little intimidated. I experienced similar advances from both of my hosts on the first night I was with them. Both of them seemed to expect a more “sexual” encounter than the one I had anticipated. I turned down their advances repeatedly but this was already after one of them had grabbed me and kissed me without permission while we were watching tv before bed. I felt very uncomfortable in both situations because I like you, wish only to stay with a host to learn about them and their culture and to experience unique locations that only a local can guide you towards. After turning both of the hosts down their advances were fewer but they did not stop altogether, I had to continue telling them no repeatedly.
This was not the couchsurfing stay that I was anticipating but it seemed very much routine for both of my hosts which made me ponder whether or not there was a more “sexual” aspect to the couchsurfing website that I was unaware of. Keep in mind these two experiences were my first couchsurfing experiences. Now when I surf I request only couples or females and I try to travel with a companion instead of alone.
I am not writing this to attack couchsurfing or to deter people from using it. I love couchsurfing and it has become a huge part of my life. I simply wish to share my personal experiences with others who have heard about or experienced situations like mine.
Thank you so much Agness for introducing this topic and creating a space where people can share their personal experiences and opinions.
CS is not for everyone, especially not for those who make their guest/host uncomfortable with being pushy in the above described way. One should recognize if the light is green or red. And then, in a fragment of the cases magical moments may be shared. Happily I will never forget some of my couchsurfing trips :)
Well, some hosts men are so damned sexy, it is not always so easy to resist to the temptation I must say. I fell in love sometimes with my hosts, I suffered quite a lot on this site, but I like what I learned, what I became. What is shocking is the situation in Dubai on CS, as you can see, there is no safety at all, when women in fact cannot report a rape in the city without being jailed. Sometimes I have the feeling CS is just there to take the money and run, and just does not care about what could happen. For this reason I don’t think it will go on a long time, another website will replace it, with a better ethic. On CS Dubai the ones in power are most of the time Pakistanese, Indians men, they just want to hook up with girls, they don’t want to inform them, and the site does not do anything to inform women better. So on certain aspect, CS can be a shame, an opportunity to make money, a very machist website. It should be something else of course.