I have been planning to write this post for weeks but my hectic schedule at the kindergarten has not let me. This weekend I decided to be strict with myself and find some time to finally sit and write what I have been trying to say about my
Before I start, let me explain what couchsurfing is for those who have never heard of it before.
What is Couchsurfing?
Couchsurfing has been created by Casey Fenton – an American who set up a web portal that offers its users hospitality exchange (you can host travelers or get hosted when traveling) and social networking services (helping each other with travel issues). The idea is very simple and the portal couchsurfing.org is getting bigger and bigger each day with more than one million registered users from more than 70.000 cities.
It’s free of charge and easy to set up. You just need to fill in some personal information, add some photos and get references to look more reliable. You can also get verified to show other members you are who you are saying you are.
Why couchsurfing?
Couchsurfing is a great way of exploring places on a budget without spending a lot of money on accommodation. Moreover, you can meet amazing people who can look after you and show you around the city. It’s a great alternative for solo travelers not to feel lonely or for those who are looking for new friendship and fun.
On the Couch is the story of Fleur Britten’s adventure staying on the couches of strangers abroad. If you’re thinking about couch surfing this is definitely a must-read – it’ll open your eyes to what you could expect. You can get the book here.
For me,
Is it safe?
In today’s world, nothing’s safe. Let’s face it. Same applies to
Couchsurfing vs. Sexsurfing
It’s getting more and more popular that girls pick up boys as their hosts and vice versa. Why? For some, it’s just someone who seems nice, but for others, there are more chances to have “no strings attached” free sex. I have heard of it before but never thought it might have been a true statement. As it turns out, it is. What’s even worse, it sounds so obvious to some people. Let me explain that on my example without mentioning any names. In total, I was hosted by 5 guys and 3 girls during my whole European backpacking. I was asked to have sex twice and 2 people were saying they were hoping to have sex before I had arrived and only one person did not mention anything about that.
I was shocked when I found out that some guys accept couchsurfing requests mostly from Slavic girls thinking they are easy to have sex with. I was even more surprised when I found out that a lot of girls are looking for one night stand as a part of their unforgettable couchsurfing experience.
I might sound like a 80-year-old granny right now, but I openly say NO to that. For me traveling is about seeing new places and not about having sex with random guys.
I sometimes felt uncomfortable with my hosts saying “The door to my bedroom is open all night”! When it happened once I was laughing and taking it as a joke, but it happened more than once. For me it’s simply inappropriate. I might be old-fashioned but for me it takes some time to open up to someone and gaining my trust is not that easy. I must be in love or at least feel a strong connection with the person I am going to sleep with.
The first time I came across Sexsurfing was in Siem Reap, Cambodia. I’ve heard some stories from local boys who hosted girls from all around the world and they slept with more than 3/4 of them. The guys were surprised of how easy it was to do that. I remember one guy saying “White girls are so easy and hot!” I thought they were joking but as it turns out girls are often more pushy than guys when it comes to sex.
The main reason for me for choosing male hosts were my personal preferences. I prefer to hang out with guys to be honest because they normally are funnier, they don’t argue over stupid stuff and I often learn a lot from them especially when it comes to travels. I’m not into shopping and gossiping that much so didn’t take female hosts into consideration. It was my mistake. As it turned out, I had a wonderful time with my Taiwanese girls in Prague and we still keep in touch, whereas some of my male hosts don’t even reply to my messages on Facebook (after I turned them down).
What shocks me the most is not the fact that a couchsurfer and a host might end up in a bed together, but the fact people use this portal to hunt girls for free sex and vice versa. I am now thinking of how many girls may not have a strong personality to refuse…
Getting a hotel room or hostel bed could be a better option if you’re not very good in saying no when you feel that way.
How about you? Do you agree? Have you had any Couchsurfing/Sexsurfing experience when traveling? Share your thoughts in comments.
I am really curious of what you might think and thank you in advance!
446 thoughts on “Couchsurfing or Sexsurfing? What is the Difference Nowadays?”
Dear Agness,
you have a point here. Big one.
Here’s why, here you have a whole forum of men talking about this
sharing there stories, helping each other to nail a FLAG they call it a flagging game some even use cameras, as I’ve read, so that they can “protect” themselves from girls accusing them of rape, yeah right. http://flaggingheadquarters.com/constitution-of-flagging/
Hey! Thanks a lot for sharing. I just had a look at the forum and it’s really lame what people are writing there! The world is going mad :-/!!!!
I guess it was going to happen at some stage! The question is, is it a form of prostitution?? Sleeping with the host in order to get a free place to sleep… Or maybe a way to “literate” youself..
It might be perceived as that by some people. Thank you Sam for sharing!
Woah, you have more comments that actual cotent.
I just wanted to say, as a CS lover that I’m obviously very sad when something like this happens, but CS to me is more then a website as it represent tomorrow’s culture of world peace. Sex dynamics are gonna play their role probably more and more, but hey, this is just as everyday life!
My suggestion is, try to put more effort in selecting your host/surfer, really. The majority of bad experiences are related to this problem believe me. If you don’t plan ahed time, well, the probability to have a bad experience, that could range from the one speculated above to just bore yourself to death because your host/surfer is a peanut head who likes to take pictures of ants mating in the grass (wich of course is impossible since ant are all female) … what was I saying?
Well, those are my 2 cents. I admit I had sex with a couple of CS and that was mainly becouse travelers are usually very interesting and adventurous persons (wich are my favourite traits) so to me it’s an added value and I think it should be viewed as something good not bad.
Hey Andrea. Yeah, our readers found this post very interesting to comment on :). Thanks a lot for sharing it, we really appreciate it. So true, sex dynamics are gonna play their role probably more and more indeed as it is just as everyday life! However, we should still be able to enjoy our travels when using csing and respecting each other, right? Letting someone stay at your place because you hope to hook up with this person validates the basic rules of CSing. I also agree with putting more effort in selecting your host/surfer. Surfing with random people isn’t safe.
Great post! I completely agree with you and most of the responses. It sucks to have such a useful and rewarding service be used for such negative things. I want it to promote safety and not get the guests worrying if something will happen to them or not.
I’ve used CS extensively as both a host and a guest, and I’ve had nothing but positive experiences. However, not everyone is using the service for what it was intended – culture sharing. Here’s an example of a website I stumbled upon the other day:
https://couchbangs.wordpress.com/
I hope people like these are in a minority and will not destroy such a great concept. It really makes me angry.
Keep up the great writing.
Hey Bryan. Thanks a lot for your comment. We are trying our best to promote safety csing. We are so happy you had a great cs experience and hope it will never change. Thanks for sharing the website.
If i loved to cycle around my city with someone and show them the sites, i might suggest to the surfer who comes to stay with me that we do just that “lets go for a bike ride! I’ll show you all of my favorite places. What do you say?” And the surfer might say “Thanks, but i’d rather just go walking alone” And even though i might be disappointed, the challenge for me is to continue to be their friend even though they don’t want to spend time with me or do the things i want to do.
My point is that we all want different things from the relationships we form, weather we form them in a bar or at a bus stop, or at a party or online. People are going to want to have sex with you, dont frown on them just because you hold sex to be something more precious than they do, frown on them if they are too selfish or sensitive, or just too mean, to take rejection in their stride and continue to treat you with respect.
Well, there’s something agreeable and something completely disagreeable about your post.
AGREEABLE: CS is about friendship, trusting, being nice and hospitable, so when it comes to sex hints like “My door is open all night” it sounds a little inappropriate, no doubt. And if it makes feel the guest uncomfortable, as it may well be, the guest has a right to judge his/her experience in a negative way and leave a bad reference if he/she feels so.
COMPLETELY DISAGREEABLE: When it comes to your judging boys and girls who like to have one night stands, it’s you who sounds quite inappropriate: CS is about making people meet, adult people, and if these adult people decide of their own free will to spend their whole time in the same bed, well, it’s their right to do so. As long as sex is not a crime of course. You have the right not to be treated like a sexual target but please respect other people’s right to choose. You may not like it, but at least, try to respect them. As a matter of fact, your dislike towards girls who consider “one night stands as a part of the experience” sounds rather conceited and, as a consequence, quite unbearable. This shows that you have a closed and conservative mind which is the exact contrary of the CS spirit.
TIME TO GROW UP.
If you’re thinking I’m one of those “terrible” guys who are used to make advances to girls during their CS experience, well you’re again misjudging, as I have hosted and been hosted by plenty of girls without having even touched the subject, as my references can easily show.
Thank you for reading.
Hi Agnes, I’ve been reading everybody’s experiences and I will share mine since is sex related. All I say Its 100% true and the name you see its not real -personal purposes-
I am latino, male, 23, engineer, with an awesome job, and I’ve been with the CS community since 2010. Been over 21 countries and surfed only once using CS and hosted twice, total of 3 CS deep experiences so far and not to mention 4 encounters for coffee, beer & chatting. All this in 3 years -enough said-
At first I thought this was fun, strangers sharing experiences how awesome can this be. I quickly learned that this wasn’t a dating site (wasn’t looking for one just a cheap way to travel ) and everybody was just open minded in sharing experiences in a good way (c’mon its suppose to be like this). and when we travel we want to facilitate our pockets in not spending to much, but i shamely and quikly learned that I could use this site for other purposes. Certain girls get exited when they know a guy that almost has it all, well established and dropping $200 a night for beers and drinks can be their “one” -for the sake of the example-. All my experiences have been great and rather turned out really great and this is why I want to explain my case to everybody since sex is involved and i have never shared this, and would like to tell my story to the world.
My first CS experience was in South Africa, cape town, after sending over 10 requests only a blonde girl accepted my one night request…. so the day we met, that same night after we had dinner at her house, she took me with her friends in downtown to have an awesome time. Turned out that she liked weed and we start smoking it with her friends like if we were in high school. Long story short, We ended up walking in some random beach around 3am to “walk and see the stars” and an erotic moment came up, started making out like crazy and well, 5 hours later I woke up at the side of the ocean, the sound of the waves hitting at my far end and me covered with sand laying with my host naked (me naked too) and with a terrible hangover. and I said, geez what an experience!!!! and of course I wanted more, if this was going to be like this.
So i came back home (USA) thinking, WOW i was truly expecting a normal night, chat beer and sleep. but it turned out wild and why not taking advantage of it -i was on my vacation right?-
Time passed, work and other travels kept me busy for months, after later…
Second, I hosted a cool guy from California, spent good time and became friends since then. End of it.
Third, I hosted a chick from Ukraine, the first night we went for beers, we went home and started to watch a movie, and i made a comment with my feet and she offer to massage them, so i thought, crap! this can be my moment or this is the signal, hours later we had sex and she left two days later with no harm feelings.
Fourth, met a girl for coffee, this time i had another intention. Sex. I noticed girls (some) using this site like this type of stuff or at least willing to have a conversation about it. Because i have met focus mind chicks and smart as heck that their only intention is to travel, period. But this chick was from Vermont, came down to visit the city and after coffee, we end up going a random bar and 2 hours later we were in my truck making out! this was insane i thought!!!! and so easy! and im not a good looking guy, just a random dude that is a travel freak.
Fifth and last, this was my most wild one. NOTE: i didn’t hosted nor surfed, I only offered a girl to show the city. So she was from Argentina, nice and cute super funny girl with 27 years old, (as the matter of fact she even mention that more guys wanted to show her around but i looked nice so she gave me a chance, and i was like chance!!? what is this suppose to mean? -another sex signal?-) The first day we went out, nothing happened, the second night (2 days later) we went for beers and later that night had sex back in my apartment and after a nice night we agreed the following weekend to have like a honey moon in Atlanta for a full weekend. I asked off from work and we were glued together for 5 days!! like if we were in love. after that, i took her to the airport. No drama love harm feelings either of us. But interesting, we both never left a comment/recommendation in our profile of CS. Not that we planed it, its just we never left either of us a profile comment. Like if we were ghosts…and we still talk today like if nothing happened. from the 4 sex encounters I had, only one left me a positive comment to visit me. The rest were like ghosts.
CS is nice, but in my opinion it depends on the person character in how far you want to take it. I mean people leave you comments but outsiders don’t have the minimal idea that behind those comments there is much more.
To conclude, I closed my account with CS. decided to travel the world free and met random as I go. Now my current girl friend which i love deeply and i hope it can stay that way. “normal”. and no erotic accelerating sex shit with random people. Because i think this can eventually lead to me trouble and a BIG trouble, physiologically. I might start seeing relationships as brutal random sex only and no more than that.
My guess is that everybody love this idea of interacting with locals without paying tourism company’s and specially people between 18-30 tend to be more open with sex, and it depends which country are you coming from or go to, i have noticed Europeans and South Americans girls are more open minded than American girls. because in the American way they are the ones that choose if they want to have sex if they feel like it, the rest its like for the sake of having a good time, just shut up and have sex, period. Notice I never asked for sex rather than moment speaking from themselves. I loved it, but i just don’t think i can continue like this. Rather than to avoid temptation and seek other ways to meet locals. Now thinking of it, it depends on the person in how far you want to go. You can just keep you CS profile open just to meet with people, no hosting, no surfing – just incase- but i must honestly say. I have met truthful amazing people in this community that until today we are friends or at least like each other as human beings…..
Thats my little story and opinion. Just be smart when you travel! experience along the way will make you a master of dissecting whats good or bad.
Hey Alejandro. Thank you so much for sharing. That’s been a long reading, but I really liked how honest you are with your CS experience. You just proved me right that sexsurfing happens to CS members on a regular basis and it’s not only my experience or feelings. You are absolutely right. It all depends on your personality. If you feel like having sex with your host, it’s fine, but sometimes people might be forced or feel like being forced to do so and then the fun is over.
I was thinking about exactly the same topic recently and that’s how I found your page. I havn’t experienced something like that, but I heard some sexstories from other couchsurfers that started to worry me. These stories got me thinking about the intention of my hosts or just the people I’m meeting with and that’s exactly the thing I don’t want to think or worry about, just be there and having a good time.
I think the “problem” is, that for the most of them who are using it sometimes (and maybe not intended, it was just happening) for sexsurfing, they like it that way and wanted it, so they don’t give any negative reference. That’s of course completely fine, everybody can do what he or she wants to do, but that causes also a shift of expectations. If somebody had a good sexsurf, then he might expect (or at least hoping) the next one to be the same and that opens the door for uncomfortable experiences like you wrote about.
This is not shocking to me, which is why I have no intention of hosting someone or staying at someone’s place unless I know them very well. Plus, my husband and I are not swingers. ;) I would probably be open to a woman crashing at out place, but I don’t plan on staying at a stranger’s place… even if they are a woman since you never know who their friends are. (I have never checked out the site, so I am assuming that recommendations help a lot interms of who to choose as a place to crash!)
It actually sounds like high school in the sense that guys won’t even write you back because you didn’t sleep with them. Grow up guys!! That’s upsetting to me, but I guess good for them if they actually find girls willing to sleep with them. What can you do?
Good luck on your future couchsurfing adventures!
p.s. sleep with mace pepper spray because it seems like it will just be getting weirder as time goes by and more people sign up.
Hi Tiana. I bought the pepper gas already for my next Csing experience :))))))
Very interesting piece. To offer a perspective as a guy who’s used the site:
I’ve surfed a ton and have only hosted a few times. The times that I’ve hosted had been about half and half (guy/gal), and not only have I not hit on any gal, but I’ve been too busy to do more than offer a place to crash, make em a meal, and offer suggestions of what to do during their stay. I don’t think I ever would openly hit on a girl I’m hosting because of the uncomfortable situation that could make, as you’d mentioned. My experiences from traveling were too important to me to ruin them for someone else by being a slime-ball ;) That being said, I have surfed with about 10 girls (around half my experiences), and did end up sleeping with two of them. I should mention that because almost all of my hosts (male and female) were people who had contacted me, not the other way around. So I definitely did not seek that out, but it definitely does happen in ways that are entirely consensual and positive. I even still keep in contact with these girls, as with many other hosts. The one note I will make, one of those two girls had told me that before I’d arrived, her and her roommates had half-jokingly bet on who would sleep with me…make of that what ya will.
As for the guys who use it as a sex window…I want to say that if they do it all respectfully and don’t ruin the experience by doing so, there’s no harm done. I WANT to say that. But until more is done by the user community to address those who completely abuse it, I can’t imagine why a girl, traveling alone, would stay with a single guy. You have to really hint for someone on the site with a negative review…the community is great, but not perfect. Be smart gals, and be safe.
Seriously, I don’t mean to be rude to you. Seriously, No offense intended here but your quickness to jump to conclusions, consistent inability to analyze all aspects of a situation, ridiculous generalizations and statements (Example: “I am now thinking of how many girls may not have a strong personality to refuse…”) lack of judgement and total ignorance about men is too evident,sweetheart.
You said “I prefer to hang out with guys to be honest because … I often learn a lot from them”. Well, I don’t know exactly what you talk about with guys but you’re probably just Getting travel information from them without actually learning much ABOUT them.
After my almost 200 hosting/surfing adventures around the world, I can tell you that one of the best aspects of CS is that it allows individuals to enjoy a unique life opportunity by really getting to know the opposite sex in such an amazing way that prejudices about men/women simply fade away as you acquire more and more CS experience.
I kindly invite you to be more proactive in your future cs experiences. Specially when it comes to communicating with guys. Example: You said: “I sometimes felt uncomfortable with my hosts saying “The door to my bedroom is open all night”! When it happened once I was laughing and taking it as a joke, but it happened more than once.”
The question here is: After the FIRST time your host said “The door to my bedroom is open all night”!, Did you do ANYTHING to learn from that experience? You could have modified your profile or simply be more explicit in the communication with your second host about the kind of behavior you don’t tolerate. It seems you didn’t do anything after your first experience. It’s so easy to appear as a “victim” instead of taking responsibility for not being an effective communicator.
Now, on sensitive subjects like this one, women will usually listen more to other women. (sometimes only). So I kindly invite YOU and ALL other females to read Kelly Dunning’s comment below:…..
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.I have heard about couchsurfing guests and hosts hooking up and I don’t really see anything wrong with it if both parties are willing and into it.
It is no different than any other situation in the sense that all you need to do is to be clear about your intentions. If you show up at a host’s house and they suggest sex and you don’t want to you can simply say, “Sorry, I’m not interested in you in that way” or “I like to get to know people for a longer period of time before I sleep with them.” There is nothing wrong with that and any normal person would stop the line of questioning and leave you alone right there. If he doesn’t get the hint you might need to make it more obvious. If he really creeps you out, then just leave.
I don’t understand this line though:
“I am now thinking of how many girls may not have a strong personality to refuse…”
It baffles me that girls would have sex with a stranger when they don’t want to, just because they are too polite to say no! Surely saying no and even leaving is less awkward than having sex with them? If he propositions you for sex that you don’t want and you go along with it without saying no, surely he is not to blame as he is not a mind reader.
It is a guy’s responsibility to stop his advances if a girl tells him “no”, but it is also the girl’s responsibility to give that clear “no” in the first place so that there is no confusion.
Anyway, if you really don’t want to be hassled you can state in your profile that you are strictly looking for a couchsurfing experience and nothing else. This will clear up any confusion before you even arrive and will probably weed out the people who are looking for a hookup.
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I am into couch surfing and have had sex at least a hundred times and it was great for both parties. I also only host women nothing againt men but im not gay. Sex surfing is great and its free whats the problem.
Good for you. Thanks for sharing!
Hey Agnes,
I know I’m a couple months late, but I just wanted to apologize on behalf of the male CS community for what you experienced. Thankfully the men in question didn’t push anything. I’ve slept in the same room as females (both as a host and guest) and have never thought of trying to engage in any sort of sexual activity. I’ve had one gay guy (a host in Italy) make a pass at me, but I said I wasn’t interested and he left it at that. He was really hospitable and enjoyable throughout the rest of my stay, but it definitely surprised me when he asked me.
Anyways, I’m glad you’re not giving up on CS because of this, but I do hope it doesn’t become a regular occurrence for you.
Cheers,
Dylan
Hi Dylan. Thanks for the lovely comment. I’m not giving up on CS, just wanna be more careful with everything I do. I am actually planning to cs this August in Holland again and Brussels.
I hosted a gal once and unlike your stories of hosts soliciting sex…this gal actually wanted to have sex after staying with me a couple of days…maybe i was too hospitable to her…might sound weird, but true. She was a gorgeous gal from Sweden.
Hi Mike. Thanks for sharing. Everyone’s experience is different.
Great article, Agness! Not many people address this subject; my impression is that some people sort of “idealize” CouchSurfing and refuse this reality, and while there’s plenty of positive things, like any other social network there’s a negative side to it. This Sex-Surfing thing has been around for ages, to my own knowledge – the first time someone gave me a sexually-charged “compliment”, was in 2007, way before CS was well-known.
As a female user of CS, I’ve had around 25-30 hosting experiences, around 10-15 being hosted, and the rest of my references are from meet-ups and activities. Yes, in Europe, mostly guys answered my requests – and girls wouldn’t even answer my messages. I have to say, that for sure I’ve run into CS users with a double-agenda, but it has been mostly from guys at meet-ups or parties (both foreign and local). I was lucky to be hosted by gentlemen, and only a few -creeps surfed with me. But then again, when I was hosted, it was 2007-2009 when CS was a bit more trustworthy. Nowadays, single or not, I don’t feel safe surfing with male hosts.
Also, in my city’s CS Community (Mexico City) some people have joined in, ask for a couch, a “tandem friend” or a “travel buddy” without references or even filling their profile at all – and TONS of people respond, because in their profile pic it’s a good-looking European/American/Canadian blonde or a cute French dude. Whenever I would comment that on their posts, people would answer negatively as, “Why are you so close-minded? CS is for helping newcomers!” Yeah, right.
Thanks for article, not many people dare to speak about this. I hope you get only positive CS experiences in the future!
Robs :-)
P.S. Sex is not a crime, as long as it’s consensual, whether it is on CouchSurfing or not! I’d be a hypocrite to deny that, when it happens, it happens!
This is a really interesting post. I Couchsurfed a little over 3 years ago and was pleasantly surprised that despite staying with only male hosts (not on purpose), sex never came up and I never felt uncomfortable. I wonder if my experience would be the same today. Maybe more sleazy people have picked up on the possibility of hooking up with a guest and created profiles looking for that specifically? Anyway, it sounds like the community might not be like it was a while ago – and if so, that’s a shame.
I don’t think this post is accurate. Five surfing experiences are not an adequate sample size, so perhaps you just had bad luck. Or/and perhaps there is something in your profile that encourages this type of people to invite you.
I have hosted a lot of girls, and nothing like that ever happened with any of them. As a host, it would be simply irresponsible to have this kind of approach: even if a host and surfer like each other, it would be putting the other person in a difficult position if you make advances… If I make a girl feel uncomfortable, what is she going to do ? That’s just cruel.
Of course, there is always the chance that a host and surfer will like each other. You can meet someone special in the supermarket, at work, online, and perhaps on CS… whether it’s for one night or for life, you can never know… But being on CS with that intention is simply wrong, and frankly I don’t think it’s that common. Of the girls whom I hosted, only one told me that she had this kind of experience once, of being hit on.
The idea of CS is simple: if you have spare rooms and/or you are bored and want someone around, perhaps hang out for dinner or drinks, then it’s a great idea to host people — which is why I host. Like anywhere else in life, other forms of interaction can occur, but I don’t think the chance of having sex with your host or surfer is higher than of doing it with the cashier you just met at the supermarket.
I had this experience with some CS girls with intentions other than hanging out and being shown around but what happened is that they were either clearly annoyed or bored with me after it was obvious nothing was going to happen, which isn’t great because then we feel stuck with each other for 1-2 days.
I’ve since learned how to more or less interpret their profile and host list – only hosting/being hosted by single guys/girls is a very telling sign. The fact that CS added the “shared surface” euphemistic option has not made things clearer but worse, I think.
The worse thing: because of what you call sexsurfing (which is I think is still very small trend, fortunately) it’s understandably now much harder for a single travelling guy to be hosted by women.
So in the last few times I sent requests and was hosted by couples, older surfers or hosts with extensive references, with 100% very good experiences and I recommend doing the same if you aim to travel hassle free.
Agnress,
Honestly I have to say you are so brave to open up about this topic. I truly admire you! I met awesome friends where I came alone to China for work but have not use as hoster and hostee. Never thought about it could end up having a sex with the host. Meeting up people through internet could be both dangerous and great way to meet new people. Once we are careful about it, I think it will be okay.
It’s like across road without traffic signal. Look out left and right and move forward little bit little bit. Once you reach the other side, we will see/experience another road.
My mom would have kill me if she finds out I am talking about sex in public. Luckily she does not know English. ;) Korea is still conservative country. I can not image it… it’s dangerous… What if he has disease, right? Got to be careful!