I have been planning to write this post for weeks but my hectic schedule at the kindergarten has not let me. This weekend I decided to be strict with myself and find some time to finally sit and write what I have been trying to say about my
Before I start, let me explain what couchsurfing is for those who have never heard of it before.
What is Couchsurfing?
Couchsurfing has been created by Casey Fenton – an American who set up a web portal that offers its users hospitality exchange (you can host travelers or get hosted when traveling) and social networking services (helping each other with travel issues). The idea is very simple and the portal couchsurfing.org is getting bigger and bigger each day with more than one million registered users from more than 70.000 cities.
It’s free of charge and easy to set up. You just need to fill in some personal information, add some photos and get references to look more reliable. You can also get verified to show other members you are who you are saying you are.
Why couchsurfing?
Couchsurfing is a great way of exploring places on a budget without spending a lot of money on accommodation. Moreover, you can meet amazing people who can look after you and show you around the city. It’s a great alternative for solo travelers not to feel lonely or for those who are looking for new friendship and fun.
On the Couch is the story of Fleur Britten’s adventure staying on the couches of strangers abroad. If you’re thinking about couch surfing this is definitely a must-read – it’ll open your eyes to what you could expect. You can get the book here.
For me,
Is it safe?
In today’s world, nothing’s safe. Let’s face it. Same applies to
Couchsurfing vs. Sexsurfing
It’s getting more and more popular that girls pick up boys as their hosts and vice versa. Why? For some, it’s just someone who seems nice, but for others, there are more chances to have “no strings attached” free sex. I have heard of it before but never thought it might have been a true statement. As it turns out, it is. What’s even worse, it sounds so obvious to some people. Let me explain that on my example without mentioning any names. In total, I was hosted by 5 guys and 3 girls during my whole European backpacking. I was asked to have sex twice and 2 people were saying they were hoping to have sex before I had arrived and only one person did not mention anything about that.
I was shocked when I found out that some guys accept couchsurfing requests mostly from Slavic girls thinking they are easy to have sex with. I was even more surprised when I found out that a lot of girls are looking for one night stand as a part of their unforgettable couchsurfing experience.
I might sound like a 80-year-old granny right now, but I openly say NO to that. For me traveling is about seeing new places and not about having sex with random guys.
I sometimes felt uncomfortable with my hosts saying “The door to my bedroom is open all night”! When it happened once I was laughing and taking it as a joke, but it happened more than once. For me it’s simply inappropriate. I might be old-fashioned but for me it takes some time to open up to someone and gaining my trust is not that easy. I must be in love or at least feel a strong connection with the person I am going to sleep with.
The first time I came across Sexsurfing was in Siem Reap, Cambodia. I’ve heard some stories from local boys who hosted girls from all around the world and they slept with more than 3/4 of them. The guys were surprised of how easy it was to do that. I remember one guy saying “White girls are so easy and hot!” I thought they were joking but as it turns out girls are often more pushy than guys when it comes to sex.
The main reason for me for choosing male hosts were my personal preferences. I prefer to hang out with guys to be honest because they normally are funnier, they don’t argue over stupid stuff and I often learn a lot from them especially when it comes to travels. I’m not into shopping and gossiping that much so didn’t take female hosts into consideration. It was my mistake. As it turned out, I had a wonderful time with my Taiwanese girls in Prague and we still keep in touch, whereas some of my male hosts don’t even reply to my messages on Facebook (after I turned them down).
What shocks me the most is not the fact that a couchsurfer and a host might end up in a bed together, but the fact people use this portal to hunt girls for free sex and vice versa. I am now thinking of how many girls may not have a strong personality to refuse…
Getting a hotel room or hostel bed could be a better option if you’re not very good in saying no when you feel that way.
How about you? Do you agree? Have you had any Couchsurfing/Sexsurfing experience when traveling? Share your thoughts in comments.
I am really curious of what you might think and thank you in advance!
446 thoughts on “Couchsurfing or Sexsurfing? What is the Difference Nowadays?”
Really interesting post, Agness. I’ve only couchsurfed with families– one in Taiwan and one in China, and they were both fantastic hosts who showed me around the city and did way more for me than what I expected. I’ve also met up with some cool people for the day/night, including hiking in Taiwan and karaoke in Korea. Both were great events and the people were awesome.
However, before I went to Japan, I posted a request to surf within the Tokyo community. I only received one response and it was from a 35 year-old Japanese guy who wanted to “drink sake” with me. I looked at his profile and saw that he’d exchanged recommendations with a white girl (who was also teaching in Korea) about how drunk they had gotten and it was the “best night of my life!”
I can definitely see where you’re coming from in this post, even though I have not experienced it myself. Like some others have pointed out, I also wouldn’t feel comfortable staying with a guy– unless he had a girlfriend living with him, or was part of a family. Still– it’s quite appalling the way these guys suggested sleeping with you off the bat– and even more shocking that so many had “sexsurfed” before your arrival. (And I’m sure it frequently happens when a female is hosting, as well.) To each his own, but I agree with you 100%.
I never couchsurfed with families, but I know Chinese families are amazing, so hospitable and friendly. They often show you around and take you for a dinner, love it! In Dongguan we get invited for a meal by random people we meet in a supermarket or just in the street. It’s so kind of them. I am also sure it frequently happens when a female is hosting.
I have heard bad tales of couchsurfing while I was on my trip. I suppose it down to personal preference and people need to be very careful.
Totally agree!
I’m intrigued by couch surfing, although it’s never felt like something I’d want to try (I am just too keen on having my own space, I think), but your post was such an interesting read and also very worrying. I am all for people doing what they want as long as they are safe, but what worries me is can you end up pressured to behave in a way you’re not happy with? This is a great read – I’m sure it will help plenty of people weigh up whether or not they’ve done their research properly about potential couch surfing opportunities. Forewarned is forearmed and all that!
Thanks Clare for sharing. That’s true. Many girls might feel pressed to behave in a way they would never ever behave, so that’s the most worrying.
What I find interesting is the hosts that propositioned you before you arrived. Why would you stay with these hosts? This is when you should be alerting CouchSurfing. The sex stuff will happen no matter what, but by not telling these guys off because you’re afraid they won’t host you, you’re allowing this to happen. With all the horrible stories in the news of men treating girls horribly both in the US, India, and all over, you should be having this conversation not about CouchSurfing, but the culture. Some women want sex when they travel, some however are being pressured into it, and that’s horrible.
I’ve couchsurfed for several year and found myself in a few uncomfortable situations… I found other hosts, or I ended up staying at a hostel instead. If you’re uncomfortable, get out of there…. even if you’re a confident woman, don’t support this sexsurfing culture by staying with these people and giving them nice reviews…
Hi Mel. None of them propositioned me before I arrived. Where did you read that? I would not stay with them, if they mentioned that. I know sex stuff happens all the time, no matter if you couchsurf, backpack or go out with your friends at the weekend. However, using this portal not for cultural exchange, but for sex purpose is inappropriate and it validates Couchsurfing’s main idea and rules. I agree with what you said about culture as it has a lot to do with that. Some hosts are really good at manipulating people. At first, they can make you feel great, show you around and when you turn them down they start ignoring you and surprisingly they seem to be too busy to hang out with you anyone. At the end of the day, would you leave them negative review?
I was a bit confused when I saw the title of this blog post on twitter. At first I thought it was just a clever way to bring traffic on your site, but after reading the article… I’m speechless.
I’ve been a member of Couchsurfing and HospitalityClub almost since the start, when we were just a bunch of people living the spirit of sharing, exchange and fostering friendship. At the time it would be unthinkable, even taboo, to use Couchsurfing as a sex seeking platform.
Since 2005 I’ve hosted dozens of people – solo girls, solo guys, couples, groups: met for coffee, travel with, you name it. And after all this time, “sex” was never mentioned. Although I was living with my girlfriend, there were plenty of times when I was alone. And I’m not bad looking :D.
All in all, I’ve had amazing Couchsurfing experiences, both as a host, and in a smaller scale, as a guest. Met incredible people, with inspiring stories… great cooks, great musicians, great speakers, great travelers, great adventurers. Invaluable friendships I would not have otherwise.
I’m sad now to realize that there is another side to this story, but I still believe in its philosophy and capability to help travelers, bring cultures together and narrow the political, religious and social differences the World suffers so much from.
Hey Goncalo! The title is controversial I must admit. It’s not about increasing the traffic on my site, it’s just to show people that CS experience is not always that great and girls should be more aware of choosing their hosts and be more careful when csing with male hosts. I am so happy you had a wonderful couchsurfing experience. It is indeed an awesome way to experience new culture, traditional and meet amazing people. I also met a bunch of interesting people who I cooked, went sightseeing and had an amazing time with, but there were also some people who were not interested in doing anything apart from flirting with me and hoping to have sex with me. That really sucked. Sexsurfing is seriously getting more and more popular, especially among backpackers.
Agnes,
Your post is inspiring,and your thoughts are refreshingly honest, and , in some ways, atypical.
I have started using couchsurfing, but only scratched the surface. I don’t typically host, albeit its not because I don’t want o, Columbus Ohio is not usually a hot destination:) I don’t intend to use it to stay at someone’s house, although I might change my mind in places where there are small villages that I go to….I usually stay in a hotel( I realize most people on couchsurfing are looking to save money,and in several cases, it seems, to get laid), and for me I am financially settled, and married, hence neither matter.
I do look forward to meeting locals or travelers when I am in Europe, just to get a window Into their lives,and experience some stuff together…haven’t done much of that , but may do so in the future.
Anyways, this is more about what you have written, rather than my likes and dislikes… Your thought process is uniquely special,and I am glad to see people kind of rebuffing this sad trend on couchsurfing, it totally takes away from the special world of travelling.
Hope you travel safe.
Ali
Hey Ali! Thanks for the all kind words :):). I’m so glad you like my post where I am being 100% honest with couchsurfing community. Columbus Ohio sounds like a cool place, but I know what you mean. Most people wanna go to capital cities :) or touristy spots. That’s true with saving money on couchsurfing. People used to buy presents for their hosts and now it’s all about a free couch to sleep on :( Hope we can meet during our travels :-)x
Hi Agnes,
I never used CS so far although I’m a registered and verified user. But I will be very soon during my journeys to europe and Americas. I want to know is that did you pay to any of your hosts? if yes then how much and did you negotiate?
Hi Ki,
You should never pay your hosts, it is in the terms of use for the site. It’s also never expected of you to pay, so don’t worry.
Nevertheless, it’s always good to come with some gift. It doesn’t have to be expensive. My recommendation would be to buy some nice little gifts before you leave your country, that are unique to your country. It will be a great reminder for your host of the time you spent together.
Safe and happy travels!
I’ve been a CS user for 10 years now and this seems like a recent trend, sadly :( Nowadays when traveling without Jack I feel the need to mention that I’m married somewhere on the request. I usually try to stay with female hosts anyway but in some cities, most of the hosts are males.
10 years? That’s so long, hope you only had a positive experience with CS. Have you been mostly couchsurfing or hosting as well? I agree, most of hosts are males :(
Surprised that “couchsurfing sex” was not a googlewhack, so I tried to skim some sites to understand what has happened:
In 2012 a user posted the suggestion that CS was a great way to lure naive women into situations where they could be seduced on a “Pick Up Artist” Forum.
The recent comments from this forum even mention how over the last year tons of “creepers” have shown up. Presumably the sites users are getting in each others way.
It was happening a loooooong time before Roosh even looked at the website. CS has always been a way to pick-up women (and for women to choose “alpha men”, ambassadors had their pick in the day). Is part of the “CS/Burning Man Culture”: we say we don´t… but all this new-agey BS is to mask that we do, and how!
No complains here.
I guess I’m one of the few hosts who has hosted over 100+ people (more than 50% girls) and never asked one of them to have sex with me! Not to say I wasn’t ever invited as a guest but as I was a CS Amb at the time I didn’t think it was worth it just for a one-night stand.
Yes this is a common thing and you know what? I think girls have more “choice” than you suggest. I have received suggestive couch requests and when I told them they are welcome but I had a girlfriend they cancelled. It happens Agness, I also know female hosts who only host guys because they want to hook up with them. I’ve had women send me suggestive messages when I’ve been traveling. I’m sure it’s much worse for women but definitely it’s not just men doing this.
People just need to use common sense when choosing a host. If they are a single women and a single guy is super keen to host them….consider why. And vice versa.
I know, I’m not saying that there are only male hosts out there who want to hook up with female couchsurfers. It works both ways, sometimes girls can be even more pushy than guys :)
Wow! I have not seen it like that before. To be fair I couchsurfed with a lot of guys during my Balkans trip and I was never confronted with such a manipulative, suggestive way of putting the opportunity of sex out there. I say if it happens, it happens, and if someone looks for a host with the possibility of it happening in mind, let them – but it should never be the only reason you youchsurf with someone!!
Absolutely agree!
I have an account on the site but I haven’t couch surfed or hosted yet. I definitely would be more open to staying with female hosts because I feel more comfortable with them. But I agree with your statement about guys being easier to get along with. I prefer the company of a guy more but don’t want any expectations from them.
I guess that guys are less complicated and more straightforward than girls ;-). You should try CS one day, but be careful! :-)
I totally agree with you that guys are more straightforward (generally). But all depends on their upbringing and morals. And there are a lot of cultural differences too in this world ! What is offensive for one may not be offensive for another. How I wish all people in this world were honest and straightforward ! It would have been a different world altogether !
Generally speaking it’s perfectly normal that during a surfing experience something related to sex can happen. We are all humans and feeling attracted to another person is a normal feeling, and sharing dailylife for some days with an interesting foreigner is a situation that helps feeling this kind of feelings. CS is not a religious organization, so there’s nothing bad that sex happens. What is wrong is using it ONLY with this purpose, that’s obvious. And it’s obvious that if I’m attracted to a surfer and she’s not to me, this will never be a reason to blame her or leave her a negative reference or, the worst, to kick her off my home. It will never happen. I often express my attracion, and when I’m not reciprocated, we go on living beautiful moments together as good friends.
Crickey! I was shocked just reading your title let alone about your experience. I would have expected you to be approached like this very rarely but not as the norm. Good to warn people by writing about it though. Take care, Kat
Thanks Kate for stopping by. Yes, I will be more careful next time. :) Hope you are having a great time on your travels. Sending my love x
Couchsurfing use to be about generous hospitality and people were greatful. Now it has become a bunch of freeloaders. So you get alot of men and women who are thinking they should get some sex out of it if this is the case. Alot of men and women were enjoying the free buffet but now that its closing, people are mad.I have engaged in sex with many couchsurfing women and it was a pretty great experience. We are all adults here, so lets see what happens.
Thanks for sharing Oliver. That’s true, CS should be about interactions, warmth and generosity but it has become a bunch of freeloaders. I hate when people treat your home as cheap accommodation and free buffet and they don’t even say thank you!!!!
This has been my experience as well. Something happened when they went corporate, perhaps the word got outside of the honest travelers community…the first few years were great. From mid 2012 onward, I was being bombarded by scumbags. I miss the old CS :(
So sorry to hear that. Don’t give up on CS though, be more careful and you will find some lovely people, I’m sure about that!
Good on you, Agness! Ive been on couchsurfing for 4 years
now, and have personally never had a problem like this. The few times I’ve surfed (in NZ) I’ve stayed with couples, or generally women. I don’t mind hanging out with people old enough to be my parents lol
I’ve also hosted over 40 groups of people – and never had any trouble like that. My bedroom door was definitely NEVER open all night! i have heard of this happening though – i had a friend sign up to CS once he heard about it from me, and he only accepted requests from girls. he became notorious for sleeping his way around the world without ever leaving home. It was disgusting.
The only thing that can make CS safer, is the reference system it was based on… Did you leave negative or neutral references for these guys, sharing with others that this was their intention? If others had shared that on the references, would you have stayed with them? It becomes tricky with sex involved because even though I know this guy slept with those girls, the references didnt necessarily reflect that..
Wow, you are a very experienced couchsurfers. That’s been so long since you have been using the website. I’m so happy you have had a great cs experience so far and hope it’s gonna be even more awesome. I know about the references. I always leave them and let people know what my experience was. It’s sometimes so awkward to mention sex in references though:S
What a shocking revelation! I have never coachsurfed but I always lauded the concept as it been a tremendous helped to many travelers I know who were on budget or who just wanted to experience more local interactions. I’m forwarding this link to friends I know who are planning to use coachsurfing in the future. This will inform them what to expect and what to wary about.
Thanks Marisol for sharing.
Really unbelievable. I have not heard of this before. I knew that some sort of arrangement was available but was not aware of the terms. In fact, the whole idea of couchsurfing seems dangerous in many aspects from disease to crime.
I does sometimes indeed, so please be extra careful when deciding to go csing.
Wow! I never thought about Couchsurfing being used this way, but I guess I can see why it is. Like you, I’m interested in traveling for the sake of travel, not to hook up. It seems like people should be a bit more forthcoming in their intentions, I would think. I mean, it definitely is a great way to meet new people and see new places — and if something naturally sparks from there, then I can get that. But wow… using Couchsurfing as a hookup service seems really gritty and grimy.
That being said, I’ve never encountered this! I’ve only stayed with females, though, to be honest or mixed groups. I’m glad this has never came up for me and I hope it doesn’t… but it’s good to know!
Thank you Erika for sharing it. Really appreciate it. It might be gritty and grimy instead and so pathetic in most cases…
I’m sorry you had such a shitty experience. Did you leave them negative references? I have heard of similar things happening with solo female CSers but I have never seen anything like that on anyone’s profiles. It seems that people are afraid to name names and speak out but without those negative references less assertive people may be putting themselves at risk.
You know the thing is with this whole CS experience that people are so nice until you turn them down. If you do so, they just start ignoring you as a person and find 1000 other things to do just to avoid you. It’s hard to leave any reference ‘-S
But if men and women who are made to feel uncomfortable by the sexual advances of the people they are hosting or surfing then it needs to be talked about. If everyone has glowing references or no references then how can we ever change anything? How can we make CSing safer? The key is to be honest and truthful. If someone was a great guide, say that in their reference. But it’s also important to let people know that you were made to feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t have to be all positive or all negative, as long as its truthful. Without transparency like that Couchsurfing fails.
if you’re uncomfortable, you need to leave a reference, even a neutral. Its people like you who aren’t strong enough to speak up the causes problems for the next girl. I have not had your experiences, but if I do, trust me I would leave a reference about it.
Great post! I’ve never surfed or hosted (as my place in Japan isn’t really built for it), but I know a girl in HK who had serious problems with a Canadian guy in Thailand who turned out to be a guy convicted of sexual assault back in Canada. If I were a girl on the road, I would need some serious evidence that a person was “normal” before doing the surfing thing. Still, there are so many positives to staying with somebody who is local, or has lived as a resident in a country, I can see why it’s so popular!
That’s so true Mike. Thanks for sharing. A decent investigation needs to be done before using cs.
Well thats the thing, i understand that people might be worried about staying with a total stranger and been worried about that person being a psycho or a sexual predator, but i really dont think its necessary to do a background check like CS was the FBI.
Thats why people should leave detailed information as to the whole experience with that person.
So you say this guys came on to you and said weird comments in sexual ways and you said no and they stopped. Ok, but still they shouldnt do that.So lets say there is some chemistry between both of you and both have no problem with hooking up with that stranger i think its ok.
but i do blame you “guys and girls” who say “oh yeah i didnt leave a negative or neutral reference because they have other things to offer other people”, i think that even though that might be true, you are just as part of the problem as they are themselves, you are not doing anything to help with this situation.
leaving a neutral or negative reference is also the only way to know who is getting into this kind of things. I understand that when someone is nice to you for your whole stay and you had one akward situation you dont feel its right to talk about that akward time, but i think you have to do it! its the only way to filter the creeps and thats what the references are intended for!!
And lets say that “nice guy” you stayed with only said one weird sexual comment and then stopped so everything was ok. but what if some other girl stays with that person and isnt so lucky, what if shes forced to do something she didnt want to? well she couldnt have known that guy was prone to do those kinds of things because nobody ever said anything about it and just left nice comments :D we have to alert other surfers cuz we are the only ones that have that power.
I am so sorry to learn that this is happening so much among Couchsurfers. I’ve been active with CS for a few years now. Most of the CSers I know put a lot of thought into the reports they leave on the site and I think that good communication before the day of the meeting is very important. Personally, I’ve never been approached for any sexual encounter…think it might be because I am 60? ;-)
Hi Deborah, thank you for your comment. I’m happy to hear you have been so active with CS and had an amazing experience so far. I agree with the good communication. 60 and still couchsurfing? :) So awesome!
You must be kiddding ….. What age has to do with enjoying couchsurfing? There are many of us “older than you” who are members for many many years. Don’t forget, you have always a choice who you stay with or who you accept in your home. Obviously, your choices of staying with single men were not exactly smartest choices. WHY? There are many women and couples who are members all over the world….. and they are not interested in “shopping” or “gossiping”.
Wishing you safe travels.
Where did you see in my message that I have EVER had a bad experience Couch Surfing? Go back and read my one and only message (until this one) on this string. Jerk
Deborah, my message was to a comment “60 and still couchsurfing? :) So awesome!” (by Agnes), which I found a bit patronising. I am on your side old girl and not only by age. Now you can read my previous message again with the knowlegde that I am a female.
Your CS pal Jerkette :)
I must say, the way i interpret your post is, its written by a closed minded, ignorant and is non knowledgable of CS community writer. After i read it a few times ( I must say English is not my first language), i understand your only speaking of your most recent personal experience on CS. And i feel like you did not do a very good job in distinguishing this specific fact. And and because of posts like this some people have a very erroneous and mistaking perspective of the Couchsurfing community. So, let me go a little more into depht on what i just said.
First off, i would love to know how long you’ve been an active CS member? And most importantly, how many experiences have you had surfing with male hosts? And it would also be very interesting to know how many times have you hosted male guests in your house? Now, after you give these numbers, and clarify how many times what you describe in your post has happened to you, then that would be a truthful and realistic piece of information for people (mainly females) who might not be very familiar with CS or who don’t have a experience in surfing/hosting. I feel your giving the wrong message in your post. Your generalizing, in your post, an entire website based on a 5 single experiences, and in my opinion that is “misleading information” and “out of context” opinions on something much bigger then how you phrase it.
More over, if you noticed, most of the people that posted a comment, are females, and most of those are non Couchsurfing members or new members. And most all give an opinion on your post, as if what you wrote is ALL CS male members.
Its important that i clarify, i am not defending the website/company, i could care less for the company’s reputation, but i find your post very unfair for the thousands and thousands of male (and female) hosts, which is the vast majority of all of them. Whom open their houses, (many times) thier families, thier personal lifes, and spend a lot of money and time on hosting complete strangers with the one and single objective of making this total stranger feel as comfortable and as “at home” as possible away from thier home.
Ofcourse their is sex involved, but its like every where else, men will always try to “pick up” girls that we find attractive to have sex with (and many, many, many times women will pick-up men the same way). We are humans, thats what we were designed to do since birth. But we do this in bars, on the street, at school, on facebook, in hostels, hotels, on CS, and EVERYWHERE in life, because that the way the human nature works. If people think that Couchsurfing.org is a perfect bubble away from reality you are very much mistaking! Its a community of people who open their lifes to others and expect nothing in return, we do it because we enjoy it and because we treasure meeting new people with new mentalities and ways of lifes and with different experiences then ours. And if you think people in CS are saints, or priests (thought, thinking about it this is a really bad example, lol :P , but you get the point)…your simply misundestanding the point of CS.
And even though i personally find men a women how try to “pick up” thier surfers/hosts a bit dislikefull, i understand its totally normal and as long as there is no force, or “against your will” kind of things going on, i think its part of the beautiful thing of traveling and knowing other ways of life. You mention that you personally would not have sex with someone you dont feel a very personal connection (love) with, i think thats perfect, but its your opinion, and you travel to meet new people with different opinions of different subjects. Well, sex is, far from the most important or the only subject, but it is definitely a very important subject in human beings (one way or another). So women and men alike should be careful of “sexual intent” the same exact way you would with your close friends, or friends of friends you meet or even with family members. Obviously as well as with total strangers, but thats the thing, if your hosting/surfing they are not total strangers, but yet you still need to be cautions of your actions, words, clothing, your unintended intentions and the use of simple comment sense and logic you would use anywhere where you are alone (and i must insist in this uncomfortable subject, but), including with family members and close friends.
So, i think your post if BS and its staining the thousands of members like myself that spend an incredible amount of time, effort, money and good will in keeping this community one of the greatest and safest communities currently on the earth.
I’ve had hundreds of hundreds of CS hosting/surfing experiences, with people from all over the world in all parts of the world and never NOT ONCE have i had bad experience, not a single time. Ofcourse i’ve had “intresting” or “awkard” or even experience where in my personal opinion i dont agree with their customs or thier ways of being, and i did not participate, but i still respected them and they respected me and in the end i was extreamly greatful for sharing thier lifes with me. And i have met THOUSANDS of CS women surfing/hosting or simply for “coffe/drinks” who share the same kind of positive (100%) experiences as i do (and many, most of them traveling solo).
If I had only one question to ask you, right before I blamed people like you for giving Couchsurfing a dubious reputation it would be: Did you give a “Negative” reference to the men in your trip whom you are talking about? No? … why not? Because, you see the truth is, that if there is one flaw in the Couchsurfing Community it is people, people that have negative experiences and DON’T give a negative reference on the website about that person. With a well documented, non-bias helpful reference for future people to decide for them selves if to stay with that particular host or not. But because most people usually don’t give a reference at all instead of giving a negative one. They are just as guilty as the other person. So, did you…honestly?
CONCLUSION:
Couchsurfing is based on human trust, good will and adventure in traveling and a little bit of luck. If anyone lacks any one of this three core elements THEY SHOULD NOT TRY TO USE COUCHSURFING. And yes, luck, life is inevitably had its scales tipped by luck. CS is not the exception and for those who have had unpleasant, dangerous or even bad experiences I say can tell you one thing, dont lose faith in CS for that one time. Its just like life, shit goes wrong every now and then, we have to deal with it, make the best of it and try again. And thats why traveling is so rewarding, because it teach us all, a whole lot of things that are out of our control and challenges us to be smart, intelligence, cautious and always appreciating and enjoying and having the time of our lifes AND LEARNING ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
I am not trying to give you a lecture on traveling (or anyone else), all i’m trying to do is give a little bit more information and back ground knowledge on what Couchsurfing is. And what people should expect when using this community. I’ve been a host in, at times, where all i can offer is my room and either the floor or share my (sometimes small) bed with my couchsurfer (male or female), and not once have i had any problems with it. And in the end, having good comunication with your host/surfer, prior, during and after your CS experience is a key factor to all of this.
So… next time you write a post, i would highly suggest that you put a little more of context in the information and dont generalize things over single events.
In the words of Forest Gump “…and thats all i have to say about that”.
p.s. So to answer your original question: “What is the difference?” EVERYTHING…They are whole different subjects…its a whole different ballpark! Couchsurfing has nothing to do with what you call “sexsurfing”….
Thanks a lot for your comment and constructive critique. Indeed, it’s very constructive and I agree with most of your points. You have provided a valuable background knowledge to what I have written.
You said that couchsurfing, as an organisation, is not to blame for my experiences, and I agree. Couchsurfing is an amazing concept, I love it and will continue using it to meet people from around the world.
It’s precisely my recent experiences that I refer to, because those made me write this article – titled “Couchsurfing or Sexsurfing? What is the Difference Nowadays?”. This is why I have said “nowadays” to show it’s about my recent experiences. You can also find among the comments left to this post, that many travellers have experienced similar situations recently, which makes it a recent trend.
It’s the people on couchsurfing, – me being one of them – who make up this ever growing community. I have written this post to show the shift in the community, which is now widely used even by people who do not travel.
The point of this article is to show that people have to be more cautious than before, because there are people who host for benefits. While they do not force to do anything, they ignore their surfers as son as they refuse to have sex with them.
This brings us to the negative feedback to the experiences. I have not left any negative feedbacks on any of my hosts’ profiles. Why? Because I’m grateful for their help. I also don’t give names in my article, because when I said no they backed up. I have not felt threatened and I’m sure that other people will benefit from meeting the hosts I have stayed with. It’s the overall trend, based on majority of my surfing experiences that I’m worried about.
Also I wanted to see how many other people find this to happen more often recently. To my surprise (and I assume yours too) there were many more similar stories in comments. All of them refer to recent years and non of them blames couchsurfing, which as I said is a great project.
What also shocked me is that several people find this article through search engines daily – looking for “couchsurfing sex”, “how to hook up on couchsurfing”, “couchsurfing sex stories”, etc. Isn’t that worrying you? It does show that people start to think of couchsurfing as a way to get laid. That’s a problem, and as much as my article is touching this controversial topic, it’s better that people consider this. It’s not my intention to show couchsurfing or its community in bad light – it’s my way of expressing my opinions.
Last, but not least, you said I’m closed-minded and ignorant person. Thanks for your opinion, I will consider your words and change if necessary. However, to judge someone in those terms only because you perceive them to have a different opinion to you may say the same about you. You probably see now that I do agree with you on most of your points and take your opinion into account on others – how about you?
Once again, thank you for your time to write this comment. I have to go somewhere now so will post your comment under the post when I come back.
Enjoy your day,
Agness
Hey Santiago and Agnes,
This is a very interesting topic you both are arguing about. I am a Couchsurfer since 2009 and already made about 25 experiences all around the world, mostly with male Couchsurfers. It is definitely very easy to find male hosts, when being a woman!
Sex has never been a topic to consider for me when surfing with someone, but quite recently on my last trip I made some strange experiences going into this direction.
Since I am writing right now my master thesis in the context of Couchsurfing, I made a Couchsurfing trip staying one day and one night with 10 different men. Furthermore, I interviewed 20 Couchsurfers (male and female) in total about their experiences with strangers on Couchsurfing.
And I must say that “Sex and abuse” were some of the themes that were discussed. In my case, there were men that tried to get me drunk, had posters of naked women on the walls and saw CS as a “Dating-Portal”. Also others heard about the “Sexsurfing stories” or experienced them! I must say that I was never forced to do anything I did not want to, but I definitely did not feel as comfortable in those situations and I am glad I am a strong woman who can say “no” and this was somehow accepted. (I am lucky!)
In my other couchsurfing trips before this one, it never had been a problem with that, even when sharing their bed with them! What might caused the problem was, that I wrote an open CS request and these “guys” were the ones contacting me, and not the other way around as it used to be before when I surfed. I really thought about giving negative references at some point, but then decided to leave either a neutral or positive one, because they did not force me and as Agnes said, others might looking forward to do or experience exactly these things!! But not me! For me CS should be and has been always a good experience and definitely should be. But I learned and found out during my research that I should pay more attention, when going on my next Couchsurf trips and make sure that I feel comfortable when surfing or hosting.
I definitely do not think that this is BS and must be kept in mind, when sharing your life with strangers…
Cheers, Honeybee ;o)
PS: Your post is really the first one that appears, when I was googling “Couchsurfing Sex” :D
Hey Honeybee,
Amazing reply – thank you for your input. We’re really glad that this helped you with your research and wish best luck with your thesis!
It’s horrible to hear about some people using couchsurfing as a dating portal, but that’s happening, and it would be good that people realise they may be getting a date instead of a home-stay with a local.
You also gave a good advice to be extra careful when you get approached by someone offering a place to stay. There might be a hidden agenda.
Happy travels and good luck,
Cez
I can’t quite get your point of saying it as “dangerous” or “shocking”. It’s just one culture. It might be different from yours but it’s a perfectly fine and legal one. You should not be a “moral guardian” and force your value on things you don’t like. A large part of CS people actually might really like it and perceive it as “wonderful” and “pleasing”. Those guys don’t force anything, they just politely ask to have sex and politely accept the response – whether it’s “yes” or “no”. There is completely no danger involved. You are just mostly exaggerating the whole thing really.
Also I don’t really understand the point of moderating or even “changing” the content of others’ replies. This is a even greater disrespect to others and is dangerous to freedom of speech. I am “shocked” at this. Pretty hypocritic really.
Nobody here at etramping.com ever changed anyone’s comment or reply. Comments from people who did not comment before are held for moderation just to make sure they are not spam (we get a lot of spam).
Not sure where you got this one from…
Agness you helped a lot. Thanks very much for taking the time to write this article, and portray your viewpoints on this topic.
You are very respectable, and I appreciate the demonstration of such virtues in your response to what could be considered a personal assault on intelligence, etc. in Santiago reply .
Furthermore, I would truly appreciate if people adapted the thought of using proper defining words rather than a carefree non-responsible jumble of misguided information such as what is found in some of the manipulative negative reply’s message, for example, the use of the word, arguing.
(ar·gued ar·gu·ing
: to give reasons for or against something: reason : to contend or disagree in words: dispute )
Hello Couchsurfers
I’m from Morocco and I use Cs for a long time
I see nowadays in our Community here in Morocco that a lot of people (Men and women ) use the Couchsurfing without even know the terms of use and What is all about
I dont have any preferences and I start the couchsurfing because I found it a great idea to know about a lot of places, people and their background even if you do not travel and due to the community my English become more and more good ( I never studied english in a School )
As A human I believe that when you meet someone there are some chemical stuff in your mind and your body which bring you an idea about the person and can make you close to this person and I believe that there is no problem if two people from Couchsurfing meet each others and then start a relationship because they find that they share some ideas and they can be together
BUT THE PROBLEM is that when this Relationship do not succeed , You do not blame yourself and you do not blame the other person but the whole community
When You traveled and met those people , they do not force you for sex but they just asked for in many ways maybe by body language or directly and in this case you can say NO and then continue the experience and if the person insist you can even go out and then look for a Hostel to spend the night and that happen to me with a gay guy in france who tried to have sex with me even if I prefer women in my life. I tried to avoid him several times and then we continue the experience and he was really nice and did his better with me even if
he was weird in the night . You know guys , I try all the time to find something positive in a person or a situation in my whole life and I all the time figure out good things even in some bad situations and I learn from them
A lot of Csurfers who visited me in the first time here in Rabat were surprised and they told me that they had a bad idea about Moroccans about Islam and they also had some stereotypes that it’s not safe for a woman to travel here but when they stay with my family and experience the life here they find that we are like all humans and they become more and more open to learn about our religion and background and they forget about the stupid ideas given by Media
Now when We start such as conevrsations we should not generalise and we have to know that there are some people who use the Cs (((who HOST AND TO HOST IS MORE SACRIFICE AND MORE TIME ….THEN BEING A SIMPLE GUEST WHO WILL SAY IN THE FINAL I DONT LIKE THE PERSON , THE FOOD or THE PLACE …. WHO ACT LIKE A JURY))) because they love the idea and want to help others and please try to bring some ideas and to be actif members in the website instead of Arguing somethings we all know and who can be solved by many ways , also When I choose this way of Traveling I know I gonna stay with a foreigner and I know from the start that I can be in some bad or awkward sutuation but I do it because I like adventure and I find the idea better then staying bored in a Hostel …
I hope a Good experiences for all of you
Peace
I am also superannuated, and I used to hitchhike a lot when I was 20 ish – this also became dangerous, sex and worse, so yes, it is just human nature, that 90% are fine people and there are shades of grey to black with the rest – at least couchsurfing has some safeguards – but it is good to be reminded not to be a polyanna.
OTOH if you do meet someone and they are attractive, the question of sex may well come up – take it as a complement, even if not interested – there is no harm unless and until someone tries to force the issue. Maybe you dont think a one night stand is “”proper”” but isn’t that your problem – your morality – it is not the universal last word? as long as two consenting adults consent, sex is no problem at all – we should all be aware of the health problems etc that it might entail – and as long as the answer “”NO”” is respected it is no problem either –
I havent CSd but I would consider it and I would consider hosting – as I have hosted in the past to complete strangers who were stuck in the past – and if I were single and attracted to someone I might ask them right out – and depending on their answer, we would take it form there – gee, this happened to me in years past with no problem, it should still work for young, adventurous and honest people now!
Well put. There hasn’t really been any danger in the writer’s experience. If she doesn’t want it then she just refuses it. It’s perfectly normal for somebody to want sex and perfectly normal for the other to accept or refuse, it’s just a part of youth culture nowadays. The writer’s experience is just a difference of culture/value which we would encounter almost everywhere in travel. Why make such a big fuss about it. Many other people would actually find one night stand wonderful and actively seek it. As long as couchsurfing experience is based on free will and is secure, I don’t see any problem about it. You can actually learn a lot through this kind of interaction.
If you want sex go on tinder , simple. How would you feel if a male made advances at you while you’re csing? Would you take that as a compliment ? It’s rather freaky , if you never showed you were interested it’s extremely disrespectful for someone to ask if you want to have sex. Putting someone in a situation where it makes them uncomfortable isn’t okay either . If the person reciprocates fair enough but from what I’ve heard the men just start to ignore the women the whole stay , which is rather rude. From the sound of you you sound like a cave dweller anyway so what can ya do
Wow! Very interesting article and comments, a widely discussed topic within the CS community for years and one I just wanted to write my humble opinion about after a couple of years’ experience hosting, being hosted and traveling a little around the world:
So just to give a bit of context I’m a 32 year-old spanish male who quit my city lifestly 7 years ago and started traveling to open my mind to new places, cultures, art, food, music and…yes, to meet new people. And yes, a few times it’s been uncomfortable (I suppose that’s what they call “getting out of your comfort zone”) and sometimes even a bit dangerous when I didn’t know the environment, the customs or the language, but looking back I find that these challenging times were the ones that taught me the most about other humans or about the forces of Nature, but specially ABOUT MYSELF.
Now, when it comes to SEX, the topic is clearly still regarded as taboo in most cultures around the world. Even those with a more “open” attitude towards it, still will consider it something more private, intimate, special…than just making new friends, going out to party, share a meal or offering you a couch to rest.
But despite having been brought up in a catholic country and receiving a traditional education, I long ago decided to question everything and not take anything as dogma just because somebody else said it in the past, and in the case of sex I’ve found it a very natural, healthy and pleasant activity, quite essential to life really :-) and also a relevant part of exploring a new country or culture, just as I would consider learning the local language or trying new amazing foods.
Judging sexsurfing or CS-sex as a terrible new trend, a disgrace to the community or a danger that must be warned to future travelers to me only perpetuates certain fears and shame-complexes which are deeply rooted in many of us because of our upbringing.
I have personally had a few sexual encounters with some females thanks to Couchsurfing (and once a guy almost convinced me too! ;-) and learned a great deal from all of these experiences.
Because you see, this is my thinking: if sex is one of the most (if not THE MOST) intimate and special interaction you can have with another human being…doesn’t it make perfect natural sense to try and have it with as many different people you can while you’re traveling this little planet of ours?
:-)
I guess now you just scared lots of people from couchsurfing.the best Idea is to put a reference (positive or neutral) & mention in the reference that for more information contact you.I`m sure that these things happen but maybe it happens 10 percent of time & when you say it even if somebody has not done it, will think about doing it.imagine that you are a new user and read this post.you will be scared of hosting or surfing.imagine because of your post all the girls find a girl host and host only girls so it won`t be a part of experiencing new culture.it is like the past when the schools were separated.they thought if boys & girls be separated they always will be good but they didn`t know that you can`t keep them apart always.so your post indirectly is saying” hey girls try to find girl host”.I am 22 years old from Isfahan,Iran & I hosted a different girls from different countries and sth like this never happened but thanx to you for generalizing the whole community will be so conservative that you always suspicious.you can count on references.sometimes I just give a key to my home to a surfer & I go traveling because they have good references.